The Other side of Darkness

Other side of darkness

By: Marc McMahon

*Suicide Is Not The Answer!

There’s a place that is so distant and dark that few have ever seen it and lived to tell about it. So lonely and cruel that those who have returned were too ashamed to speak of it. A place I once thought to be my great escape, my final refuge, a peaceful bliss. Imagine if you will somewhere that leaves you feeling an emptiness you never knew existed. A near heart-stopping void that chills you to the deepest part of your being to your core, the heart of your soul.

A second heart you never knew you had until that moment, the most horrifying place you have ever set foot in. Ice cold air that when inhaled makes you feel like someone ripped your lungs right out of your chest and set them ablaze. A searing knife, melting flesh as it stings its way through your soul.

Then the realization that this new level of emptiness, this loneliness, wasn’t really just an emotion passing through, but more like the one feeling you would be tormented with for all eternity. A perpetual living hell wrapped in a cloak of tranquility. Satan’s backyard disguised as child’s playground. The grand entrance to Disneyland leading into a cemetery. A nightmare that never ends, a darkness imprisoning you in absolute horror. A place where you can neither live nor die, trapped, by choice!

The biggest lie I ever believed had taken me to this place. The year was 2002, and I had just been released from my first inpatient Psychiatric stay at the local Hospital. I was miserable, strung out on cocaine, a complete wreck when I was brought into that hospital just ten days prior. I had called an ambulance on myself because my heart was beating so fast and so hard that it was actually starting to hurt my chest. Out of fear that I may be having a heart attack I called 911 and had an ambulance dispatched to my aid. Ten days later when I walked out of the Behavioral Health Unit (a.k.a.- Psych Ward) to face life again on life’s terms, reality slapped me in the face.

I stepped off the bus 45 minutes later in the small town that I grew up in only to realize I had nowhere to go. No one who wanted me, not a soul to call that cared to hear my voice, literally alone. An empty broken shell of a man. I stood at a phone booth, phone in one hand fifty-cents in the other when I realized for the first time, that the selfishness of my disease had rendered me completely undesirable not only to the family but also to those I used to call friends. It was as if I was the only leper in a healthy colony of humans.

So what was I to do? All I knew was that I was completely isolated, alone, and unwanted and those feelings at that moment were more than I could bare. So I reached out to the only person I could, my nurse at the Psychiatric unit I had just been released from just a couple hours earlier. She must have heard the desperation in my voice when I told her my situation. She asked me to come back to the hospital right away and stay some more. She made me promise her I would not harm myself before I seen her and I did promise. With tears streaming down both my cheeks I hung up the phone opened my backpack and pulled out my bottle of Seroquel to commence suicide attempt number one.

I ate as many of those pills as I could I just wanted that emptiness I felt, that unwanted dirty feeling to go away as soon as possible. I remember thinking I am going to walk around this block until I fall down dead. And I wonder I thought am I going to drop in front of my favorite bar or on the other side of the block in front of the fire station. To make a long story short I fell down thank God in the driveway of the fire station. When two medics sitting in the lobby of the fire station seen me and rushed out to help. The two of them carried me inside and checked my blood pressure it was 60 over 40 technically dead. I was rushed to the E/r where barely conscious I was greeted by a team of doctors and my faithful nurse from the psych. unit. Ten minutes later as my throat swelled shut I gasped for what I figured was going to be my last breath when I realized I really did not want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop.

That’s when Satan laughed at me and said: “only true despair lies on the other side of death!”

 

**Suicide is the big lie, it is not an escape from all of life’s pain and misery. It is really only the beginning!

 

About the Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”

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7 thoughts on “The Other side of Darkness

  1. I sadly have been to the edge of that ………..but God kept me from the abyss . I just wish my Dad could have been around to read this . He took his own life because his child was dying of cancer and I had just beat breast cancer. He felt sooooo helpless . PLUS she had spent years feeling depressed and NO ONE bothered to understand it. Because he got laid off too early in his life and young men without his experience replaced him. It tore hiim to pieces that he could not get hired because they felt he was too old and slowing down. He was an EXCELLENT mechanic and he often had to redo the work of the young men he worked with. So he didn’t understand . So when his baby, his youngest son was toldl there was no hope and he would die of his cancer dad DID go over that edge. If he hadn’t lost his mind at that point because of the stress of that morning fighting with mom I dont think he would have done it. It was all too much. He had been crying his eyes out for a week. I ‘d try to talk to him, we were close but it was like he couldn’t hear. He’d always tell me before , ” I wont do anything dumb. ” … He’d say ” I’m just upset and ANGRY. IN ANGER he took his own life. AND his helplessness SET HIM UP. Leaving us to ask.. “if I hadn’t left that morning maybe he’d still be alive.” And I was one who KNEW how depressed he was. But how old school he was so I didn’t push it for him to get help for his depression. He was 85 yrs old. In great physical health for his age. All his brothers had died. He was still hurting over all that. And his older son had many mental health problems after VIet Nam. He oldest son was Schizophrenic .For this he also felt like a failure as a father. MEN deal so differently when it comes to problems like these. Each handles things in different ways. But the core of it to me is always PAIN. I’m soooooooooooo PROUD OF YOU MARC. I REALLY WISH MY DAD WAS HEAR TO READ ALL YOU WROTE. He thought drinking was going to help his problems but that didn’t help either. It seemed to make him even more depressed. That is when he started telling me while we were playing pool in a bar very nonchalantly that ” I should just kill myself. ” SO tired of all this ” ….when we were talking about me and Brian having cancer and losing so many people in our lives etc. He’s normally VERY quiet and a CHRISTIAN who would never do something as bad as suicide. He went to church every Sunday. He was such a good man. BUT being unable to save his baby boy. HIS SONS…………..from their pain and save their lives. Well, it was too much for his heart to handle. I wish you could have met DAD. I believe GOD saved him from hell because he did NOT know what he was doing at the time. Some day we can discuss this if I get to see you again. Been a long time Marc. Would love to see if you if you get back home. LOVE YOU and SO SO SO PROUD OF YOU ……. You will always be like a nephew to me. ALWAYS. You can ALWAYS call me MARC. ANytime … no matter what has happened. Keep up the great writing Marc. You can help sooooo many.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! Very powerful and moving. God hand His hand on you that day. So glad I’m getting to know you on Twitter and now have discovered your beautiful writing. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on Recovery Unsensored and commented:

    Due to an unfortunate series of events I unfortunately lived next door to and in the spirit of supporting some Suicide Prevention that is taking place at the moment I am prompted to re-release this article. Please remember “Suicide is not the answer” I love you!

    Like

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