I was asked what the negative consequences of my drug use where, and why did I want to change? I said, using takes from me everything worthwhile in my life. Drugs steal from me, my joy, my peace, my family, and all that I hold dear to my heart.
They block or should I say stop me from having a conscious constant contact with my God. The one whom my heart truly adores the most. They steal my dignity, my self-respect, and turn my moral compass completely upside down.
Leaving me ashamed, guilty and disgusted with myself.
Then I am left completely broken, afraid, and isolated from all help and those who love me. I’m straight cut off from my spiritual help as well. Even though my God is still reaching down to grab me, the drugs blind me so bad that I never see his hand reach up and grab it.
I am left only to think, I have been trying to win this battle for twenty-one years now and only had very short reprieves. I tell myself that based solely on past performance, that it is probably always gonna be this way.
Just a relentless circle of short-term recovery then relapse, recovery and relapse. Just like its always been, and ya know, maybe this is just my lot. Maybe, that is just how the dice rolled for me, and if that is the case. Then do I really want to be a part of this life?
Misery wanting joy, but never being able to attain it.
So full of sorrow, tears, and a broken spirit. I conclude that maybe, it would be best for all concerned, if I don’t just put an end to it all, permanently! Only having to hurt those I love one more big time, instead of over, and over, and over again. So I try to die!
I want to change because I deserve better! Because my mom needs her son, and my son needs his dad!! So for that, I choose not to use.
- Just for fucking today!!