A prisoner in your own mind trapped by the demon of insomnia. Tired but can’t sleep, body exhausted, mind racing, forehead sweating, all while the mouth yawns. A Gut twisting terror that invades your peace. Truly a living hell, torture with a capital T. But what could lurk so ominously in the dark to cause one not to sleep. What monster has the power to steal from us the next best thing to fresh air, our second most valuable commodity, sleep! What could it be? Fear maybe? Repressed memories from a distant past? Childhood trauma the mind deems too dangerous to allow you to view or, all of the above. Problematic at best, deadly at its worse! The doorway to depression, when one can’t cope or the doorway to medication so one can, either way difficult.
Just some thoughts I have had about my lack of sleep lately. Although it is getting better sometimes it drives the mind to places like the above paragraph for a moment then back to reality but not without a little want to and a fight. It is like I said insomnia is a demon that once it gets you awake does everything in its power to keep you that way as long as possible it is truly exhausting. Here comes the back to reality part where I tell myself ya, ya, ya, quit whining Marc because at 13 months sober you should just be happy to still be alive, and I always have to respond with an amen to that because it is so true. I am truly blessed to be alive today and I realize it, appreciate it and hope to make the best of it.
All in all, though things have been going quite well this month. My moods are getting back to normal and stable with my new meds. I am sleeping in two-hour increments but its sleep. I also sleep on like a graveyard schedule which is bizarre. My internal clock is so screwed up from the methamphetamines that my body still has not adjusted to that part yet its crazy and its been a year but in do time this to shall pass. That is one thing I have had to learn this first year about recovery. That there will be times when I simply feel like crap being clean and it’s ok because today I know the feeling better that comes after it is the gift of recovery so it makes it worth the wait.
In Other News
You know in this new life of mine that I am carving out for myself in recovery I have been very strict on who I allow back into this life, or simply in it at all. I admittingly have set high standards for my friends by weeding out those who I find unworthy of friend status. I mean I always have said the best judge of a person character is how well they keep their word. If a person cannot at least do what they say they are going to than what can they really do at all. It just speaks volumes to me. Thing is I have found, people cannot keep their word. Or simply choose not to because I am having a hard time finding a friend to keep that can. Maybe this is too strict of criteria but I won’t change it its important to me.
I think it is important to either surround myself with quality people or none at all thing is the none at all is what happens because people at least so far in my life don’t know what it means to have character I guess I don’t know so I thought I would ask you all your thoughts on this. What do you think? Am I too strict or am I on the right path? One of you all have been through this I am sure and can offer advice I’m all ears please and thank you.
I don’t really have much else to say today you all so let’s keep it short and I’ll write again soon hopefully something a bit more entertaining lol. Have a blessed day my friends and thank you again for sharing my journey with me I love you!
About The Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”