I’m Open To Advice

A prisoner in your own mind trapped by the demon of insomnia. Tired but can’t sleep, body exhausted, mind racing, forehead sweating, all while the mouth yawns.  A Gut twisting terror that invades your peace. Truly a living hell, torture with a capital T. But what could lurk so ominously in the dark to cause one not to sleep. What monster has the power to steal from us the next best thing to fresh air, our second most valuable commodity, sleep! What could it be? Fear maybe? Repressed memories from a distant past? Childhood trauma the mind deems too dangerous to allow you to view or, all of the above. Problematic at best, deadly at its worse! The doorway to depression, when one can’t cope or the doorway to medication so one can, either way difficult.

Just some thoughts I have had about my lack of sleep lately. Although it is getting better sometimes it drives the mind to places like the above paragraph for a moment then back to reality but not without a little want to and a fight. It is like I said insomnia is a demon that once it gets you awake does everything in its power to keep you that way as long as possible it is truly exhausting. Here comes the back to reality part where I tell myself ya, ya, ya, quit whining Marc because at 13 months sober you should just be happy to still be alive, and I always have to respond with an amen to that because it is so true. I am truly blessed to be alive today and I realize it, appreciate it and hope to make the best of it.


All in all, though things have been going quite well this month. My moods are getting back to normal and stable with my new meds. I am sleeping in two-hour increments but its sleep. I also sleep on like a graveyard schedule which is bizarre. My internal clock is so screwed up from the methamphetamines that my body still has not adjusted to that part yet its crazy and its been a year but in do time this to shall pass. That is one thing I have had to learn this first year about recovery. That there will be times when I simply feel like crap being clean and it’s ok because today I know the feeling better that comes after it is the gift of recovery so it makes it worth the wait.

In Other News

You know in this new life of mine that I am carving out for myself in recovery I have been very strict on who I allow back into this life, or simply in it at all. I admittingly have set high standards for my friends by weeding out those who I find unworthy of friend status. I mean I always have said the best judge of a person character is how well they keep their word. If a person cannot at least do what they say they are going to than what can they really do at all. It just speaks volumes to me.  Thing is I have found, people cannot keep their word. Or simply choose not to because I am having a hard time finding a friend to keep that can. Maybe this is too strict of criteria but I won’t change it its important to me.

I think it is important to either surround myself with quality people or none at all thing is the none at all is what happens because people at least so far in my life don’t know what it means to have character I guess I don’t know so I thought I would ask you all your thoughts on this. What do you think? Am I too strict or am I on the right path? One of you all have been through this I am sure and can offer advice I’m all ears please and thank you.

I don’t really have much else to say today you all so let’s keep it short and I’ll write again soon hopefully something a bit more entertaining lol. Have a blessed day my friends and thank you again for sharing my journey with me I love you!

About The Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”




8 thoughts on “I’m Open To Advice

  1. I SO understand insomnia. Makes life extra difficult. I went to a sleep psychologist, who really helped. I can’t explain everything here, but it involved sleep deprivation. Ironic, but it works. Other little things that helped: I turn off all blue lights an hour or two before bed, write my worries in a journal, and a shower about a half hour before bed.
    I watch TV on a tv, and read.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am 3,5 years sober and FINALLY I sleep through the night 3 or more days a week.

    When it comes to friends you ask advice but I am not sure what you mean by ‘not keeping their word?’ I would assume it is something like ‘Can I borrow your bike, I’ll bring it back tomorrow’ and hen they don’t bring it back? Or ‘I’ll come help you with the garden’ and then they never have time when you ask. That I very much dislike. I also dislike people who are late for more than 10 minutes without texting. Or cancel dates often or on the last moment. However, if people have or run their own business they are more likely to cancel. But after e.g. 2-3 consecutive cancellations I do not contact them as the first contact because I presume they are either too bussy or not so much into me. Or I ask. Asking is ok “Hey, I noticed you cancelled our last 2 dates. I don’t want to make this awkward but is there something going on between us that I might have missed? If so, please inform me because I have no clue. Does not have to be right this moment but, just, so you know that if something is wrong and I am acting like I do that is not out of sheer callousness. Ha! I generally only get callous after I hear what’s up. Ok, bad joke.”

    As long as somebody is in active addiction I will not get emotionally involved in them. First because I dislike the vibe of people in active addiction and secondly because they are addicted. I would not know who I was speaking with.

    But then, I hardly guess wrong who is capable of doing what. So I do not lend my bike to somebody whom I do not trust. Also I do not ask / believe somebody to help me when I do not think they will make it. Psychiatrist say I have a trust issue. That could be true. But I also just know how to ‘judge’ people better and ‘having trust’ in everybody is just a stupid thing. I trust people are generally nice. I trust people will stay generally nice, till it pays off to not be nice. Some have a high price, some have low price but everybody has a price. For most of the people I know that price is not something which is generally going around so I do not worry. I fear that people who do not value contact with other people have not learned that to be valueable. That is pretty sad. One can not give what one does not have. 😦

    Some people I trust with my heart, but not with my plants because they have no clue as to what a plant needs and when. Others I trust with my plant and cat but no way with any info about me – mostly neighbours. But that is what different types of ‘friendships / neighbourship’ are for.

    I am pretty much acquired taste so I have either very good friends and neighbours. Hardly any acquaintances whom I meet up in date type of things. It took me a long time to build friendships but now I am sober people add instead of leave. 🙂 That is good. And everybody thinks I am WAY nicer now then when I drank. They liked me then but some now speak of love. And that is very unusual between Dutch people.

    Whenever I get angry or irritated with someobody there comes a point where I realise that what I do is projecting/transferance: I can not ‘carry’ or appreciate a certain trait in myself so I dislike it in others. I have been shamed into shape not to deliver sloppy work so I can not bear it that others are lazy and deliver sloppy work. So I will try to shame them into submission -> delivering good work. :-/ That paragraph is what goes wrong in the world and in relations in a nutshell.

    Hope there was something in it for you. Wishing you nice people on your path. Trust your instincts. 🙂

    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

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