By: Marc McMahon
I was just thinking about the lies addiction tells us. How it takes a sliver of what we know to be true and uses it to further its sadistic adgenda. Takes it and manipulates its meaning as to lead us to believe we are learning a better way but really it is leading us down the slow road to death! Here is a prime example.
I wrote that first paragraph last night and started this one at 6:13 a.m. Last night I sat down with the idea I would write the whole article only to quickly be overcome with a case of the this is borings. Today I had to make myself sit down here to start writing this again because again BORING my mind was telling me, even though I was already bored and had nothing at all to do but twiddle my thumbs.
Why is that do you think? Here is what I know so far to be true for me. My addiction although chained down in my dungeon of recovery is far from dormant. Oh no, I thought that once in the beginning, wow what a mistake. Anyway although the little bastard can’t move anything but his mouth and thats only to spit at you if you walk by is still planning my demise. Still calculating exactly what it is going to take to ruin me once and for all if I mistakenly give him the chance again. You see it is his firm belief that I will. It is his belief that although this time has lasted longer than most that it will end favorably for him to and rightfully so. For 22 years I have reinforced his belief in that, that is scary!!
My addiction knows that writing is keeping me sane. That by writing things are revealed to me I never may have known. That I am able to reach a part of me I can only access through it. That its voice is true and pure, powerful and his worse enemy. So he tries to attack it anyway he can. Only avenue he has open that gets him any results is the boredom tactic. At least that slows my progress he sees, and causes a slight rise in blood pressure over why do I feel this way about something I love doing and I know helps me all of the sudden.
That last feeling I just described, the frustrated over why this feeling over something I love. That is the feeling he hopes to magnify to the point that I say you know fuck all of this and these feelings and go get high like I have every other time he has tried in the past! Quite a battle plan he has huh? Streamlined, efficient, tried and tested over time, but most of all it is Deadly. There is only one small problem for him this time. The very thing you do not want when attacking the opposition is for them to know that you are coming, to be able to prepare.
I know he is coming, my therapist knows he is coming and my shrink even believes that he is coming they just dont know when. Thing is I been telling them all along you all, he never left! He won’t leave how can he, he is a part of me. I cannot dismember part of me and throw it away so what to do then. I learn, I understand and I attack the little bastard every chance I get because he has a lifetime of beatings coming from my ass believe that and wow that felt really good to get out of me now!!! Whew,
That was really cool. Really, really refreshing to write, and really, really, RAW. I love it. With that stay blessed you all thanks for walking down that dark hallway with me didnt want to go there all alone its scary. Love you all so much, peace!
About the Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”