By: Marc McMahon
I have no idea where this is going to end up all I know is that I woke up this morning after a 10 hour Serequel induced sleep ( take it rarely, not as prescribed, when sleep is a must only, I hate it just FYI) feeling a bit out of sorts, not all together, scattered, and a little confused but well, well-rested, thank God for that. As the morning went on the uneasiness I usually feel after waking from that crap left me but it was quickly replaced by something else!
That something else is what is giving me the ache deep, deep inside of my gut that tells me soon my soul is gonna have something to say. And I know when my soul speaks it speaks only my truth. It is a beautiful gift God has given me through writing via my spirituality, via his all consuming love of me! God I thank you so much for letting me survive all that I have.
I am going to write today and not stop until I am finished. Share with you some stuff that is going to make perfect sense to a few, and sound bat shit crazy to most I think but, this of course, is my Recovery, Unsensored Style. That’s just how it gets done here straight up and from the heart, crazy sounding or not, just real talk. So let me get into some of my issues I am having today. The thing is when I write and my truth gets spoken, I am not sure what part of me is going to come out and share it.
I can see your face now…….Huh???? He said what? Yes I have found and you will to if you look through my articles and I just noticed this about a week ago. When I write I write from like 3 or 4 different peoples perspectives, all which I have found through prayer but mainly Yoga on this that those are far more than me just writing from a different perspective. They are actually the voices of that part of me that lives deep within my soul!
Oh Boy Here it Comes
Just hang with me here. Look at my work for yourself “Hands That Hurt” was me just talking about me as a man and my addiction from an abstract point of view just for fun because I was bored and it morphed into a story that sounds like an abused Women wondering if she is strong enough to confront her abuser. “The Visit” I wrote just to play around and it came out as a 12 year old little boy trying to stop his daddy from hurting his mommy.
I read it to a friend and she immediately seen it. She said Oh My God Marc and this gives me goose bumps, she says the little boy in the story Johnny, that’s you isn’t it? My mouth dropped, I thought no kidding, it is I just never actually shot and killed my daddy I just wished I had the gun so I could have and it all came out in that story, yet I had no idea until it was pointed out. I wrote “Wait Until Tomorrow” for a Magazine I write for and it came out as a frightened teen girl finally telling someone her dad had been molesting her.
Then of course there is me the addict finally sharing the pain and horrors he went through in his addiction. Then me now sharing my insight into all of that. It is not like it sounds by any means. There is no split personalities per say because they only can speak when I write and I only ever hear from them when that happens otherwise I don’t even know they are really there if that makes sense. But this has been 7+ fabulous months of self-discovery unlike any I have ever experienced, thank you to all the spiritual forces of goodness in the universe that have got my back couldn’t do this without them!
Now Back To Today
This morning after my Seroquel hangover wore off I was quickly overcome with the well rested side of Bi-Polar disorder, quickly! I became a nervous, anxious, out of sorts, skin crawling, uncomfortable in my own skin, palms sweaty, pacing mess. My thoughts inside my head looked liked the inside of a category 5 monster storm as it slams into a poorly equipped trailer park. Like how the ingredients to your strawberry smoothie look 2 seconds after you hit blend!
I posted online early in the day and have stayed away most the rest, because I need to, I had to keep myself together to do an interview a couple hours later for a Show that I have been praying I would get an invite to one day and complete it in normal form and thank God I did. But what people don’t understand about those of us who suffer from this is it is not easy.
You Want to Know One Reason Why?
You don’t see to many people come right out and say like I am today this is what I have, this is how it makes me feel, and this is how I cope, for fear of being judged and made to feel more awkward then maybe they already do. So for all off us I’ll do it 🙂 people need to know what we go through if for no other reason then to help them understand us a little better.
You see when your hearts racing, your minds racing, you want to sleep because your tired but you cant because your full of energy and that changes every 12 seconds continually. You can’t make a decision cause you cant focus on a thought long enough to see it through. Your hungry, but can’t eat, your lonely, but to frightened to reach out, and you feel completely isolated, awkward and for the moment misunderstood as ever so you crawl inside your shell until you deem yourself safe enough for human interaction again.
Generally, and I know this to be true for many of us from talking with many of us about this. But, generally when we feel this way the only thing on this planet we feel understands us are some animals. You know if people could love each other the way that animals care and love for us, this world would be so happy and full of love that it would sparkle like a diamond!
FYI, I am doing well now its actually 4:35 am the next morning and its all better now, whew. I wanted to share that with you all though while I was experiencing it as I have not seen that before and I think its the first step in getting people to understand those who suffer from a B.P.D. a little better. So next time you meet someone who has that condition, and the next time you see them doing some really odd stuff because of it.
How about we try doing this from now on. Instead of cracking the typical little bi-polar wise crack, chuckling and moving on. Maybe you could simply just say nothing but a prayer for them to get better and go about your day. Because people need loved not ridiculed for something they are overly self conscious about already.
I Dare Ya!
About the Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”