BY: Marc McMahon
Have you ever heard of the term “free writing?” Where you just sit down and start typing the first random words that come to your mind. Usually for me it starts out with a couple of incoherant sentances followed by a jumble of mixed up thoughts, eventually resembling something that in a few days will morph from a jumbled bunch of random thoughts to what some refer to as literary prose. Or at least that is the goal of the whole endeavor.
Appears this time though that I obviously had some kind of topic in mind deep down in my spirit I just didn’t know it because this is sure beginning to look like a real article ( I hope) :). Or wait, maybe this is where the rambling mess begins. I just read a friends post one of the social media sites and they described being away camping with their family for the Holiday weekend.
As I was thinking how cool that was and began to start typing that in as my reply I could feel tears start to slowly form in my eyes. Not sure exactly as to why and with them forming about as fast as a snail runs it’s first quarter mile in a six and one-half furlong horse race!I finished typing and hit send when it dawned on me.
My reply read “Oh wow, how cool would that be, I never had that.” That is why the tears, I Never Had That! Would it have made a difference in how I turned out? Was that the one reason it seemed that caused God to allow the Devil to put this thorn in my side? Had I had that would I not have ended up a drug addict, an alcoholic, a divorced father, thief, criminal, ex-con, or felon?
If I would have grown up in a home that was actually fucking normal and didn’t just pretend to be would I be different today? Would it have altered the course of my future if I did not see my dad beat my mom on a weekly basis whether she provoked him or not?
If I would have been able to roast a God damn marshmallow by an open campfire with my mommy and my daddy, would I have grown up to not hurt as many hearts as I have so far? To know that I was loved, appreciated, and wanted just for being who I was, not because of what I could do?
To hear my dad tell me that he loved me at some point before I was 43 yrs old and only because I said it first? Would you please tell me cause it mother fucking hurts really bad right now and I can’t stop crying while I write and holy shit I had no idea this was in me, WOW!
Man I am sorry for all of those I have hurt in the past and may my future create so much good that the pain from the past is no more. For you and for me both. If you know of this pain that I just realized I had your no longer alone. If you need an ear to vent to, reach out to me. If you need a word of encouragement, reach out to me. Hell if your nearby and bored and simply want to have coffee so you are not alone, reach out to me.
That is what I do. That is why I am here, and that is why God allowed me to not only survive, but endure so he would have another understanding heart willing to help all added to his already amazing army of online recovery warriors. Never be ashamed to ask for help!
Never, ever, ever, be afraid to say how you really feel, please do yourself that favor. If you do you will find a new strength down underneath where all that hurt was, and that strength from down their is strong enough to change the world, Just watch!
About the Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”