BY: Marc McMahon
Ya know this morning I was thinking that I just experienced the best overall 30 day period of time since I became addicted. That says alot to me because as we know I have been at this 20+ years now, so it’s a big deal! Why do I say that? I’ll explain, first of all I had my own aptartment to live in (and all the bills got paid.) I stayed of a sober mind the entire month, and I did not run short of anything around the house that I needed.
That is three months in a row I have not ran out of dish soap, t.p., cigarettes, clean clothes, or food. That makes for a new record. You see never before since I first ran into cocaine in 1996 has that happened, NEVER! Does that put it in perspective a little bit better for you?
God, for some reason I have this ache in the bottom of my gut thats coming from me feeling I’m not getting the magnitude of these events as they pertain to my life across well enough. Ok, let me see, alright try this. I became addicted officially at age 26.
I am soon to be 49 and never before in those 23 years even during my two years of clean time have I EVER made it 30 days and not ran out of something I needed. Generally around the middle of the month, and almost of all household items including food.
It is super cool, but really weird. So this payday I found myself with no major purchases I needed to make and paid what needed paid. Bought more supplies for the month, and now I find myself with not much, but A little money left over to do with as I please. But what do I do? It is all so new in a sense.
It has not been this good so fast before. I know that maturity, and past lessons learned play a great part in this being my last time coming back from a relapse but it does not change the fact that sometimes I just do not know what to do with myself. Another thing I may be sober but my addict tendencies shine through like a Police cruisers spotlight reflecting off of your rear view mirror.
For instance, if you look under my counters it will become very apparent. Instead of there being one days worth of t.p. and the likes you will find a two month supply of all household goods and tobacco products needed. Almost as if I was getting ready to head to my bomb shelter to seek refuge from the incoming nuclear missle!
Then today I am sitting in my recliner and my mind is going a million miles an hour trying to figure out what to go do. I have money lets spend some is the theory, but this new voice has been chiming in lately telling me that I have already taken care of everything that needs to be taken care of and I should just relax and chill theres no need to go anywhere.
I actually caught myself walking in circles, or pacing maybe is the word, in my living room today, mind racing, ideas abound, clueless as what to do. Seriously, and I don’t care I am just gonna tell it because I know others out there feel this too and its really hard to describe well enough.
I mean of course I know what to do, and I am doing well and bearing fruit which is the proof my labor is not in vein. But that uneasy, nervous, stomach flipping like the first day at a new school in the fourth grade feeling that you get, when you first step foot in that new classroom and feel 40 pairs of eyes staring through you, is very real and present.
It’s all new to have it go this good, to seem this productive, and to not know exactly from previous life experience what to do next. I have tasted a little of sobrietys goodness in the past but not like this, and in 5 months. Oh God, please do not let the cliche’ term “Pink Cloud” come out of your mouth right now or I may vomit, sorry just saying. The whole Pink Cloud thing kinda faded away for me somewhere between treatment visit 7 & 8, and suicide attempt 2 & 3
It is more like learning how to live in a whole other dimension. I was used to my two sided me and my drug reality, but now I am living in what seems to be this multi dimensional reality that is full of endless possibilites. A brand new dimension of the grandest scale, the mother of all Matrixs, and they call it, life!
Thing is, anybody know where the users manual is? The one with the promo codes and the shortcuts, the support email, and the 1 800 whats the next right thing for me to do number. They don’t exist? You mean I bought a lifetime subscription to a life that comes with no manual? Not fair right? It is fair in a twisted sense, just no longer familiar.
Kind of like standing outside of your childhood home trying to remember what it looks like inside but all the blinds are closed and the doors shut. Trying to remember exactly who had what room, and what those rooms look liked. Remembering the joy and great times you had growing up in that home, but having felt like maybe it was all just really a dream.
Wondering if you were to walk through that front door if you would you find the answers you are now looking for? Would you be able to reclaim some of that joy from your youth if you were able to get inside? If so would you then be allowed to put some in a bottle to sneak out and use for later in life? Or would your worse nightmare come true?
You walk into the home of your youth only to realize it looks completely different then you remembered, you walk down the hallway to check on your old room to realize its not there. As your fear of the unknown becomes to swell up in the middle of your throat you sprint desperately back to the front door only to realize it is locked and you didn’t lock it.
Now your locked in this new reality with no hopes of getting out and back to the dysfunctional one you are so familiar with. Lost in an empty nothingness of I dont know how to live this life sometimes and it scares the shit out of me, but Im to embarrassed to tell, or afraid of what folks will think, to speak. So you say nothing, and continue on the hamster wheel of destruction because although painful, its more comfortable than the unknown fear.
If you feel this way, your not crazy, I think this is normal, or so I’m told. If you feel this way but couldn’t describe it well enough to share. Or were to afraid of what others may think to share no worries my friends I shared for us. Although we may at times sound bat shit crazy when we articulate how we feel into words it does not change one simple fact.
Crazy they may call us but together my friends we can be the change to this damn world, let them call us crazy for that! Guess what…………………I LOVE YOU!! I believe in you and;
“Alone We Don’t Stand A Chance, But Together, We Can Change The World!”
About the Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”