By: Marc McMahon
You know a minute ago as I was sitting here at my computer thinking about my life I painted in my head a picture of myself that was about an honest appraisal of where my life is right now, and do you know what? It’s not pretty. I am completely screwed up right now and can’t for the life seem to stop it this time. For the first time in the past 5 years, I have not been able to pull myself out of relapse and do it fairly quickly. But this time it is different and it has taken me not a couple of months to come out of this one but almost a damn year!
My addiction somewhere along the way stole the keys to the car I was driving and decided to take my recovering ass on a little ride. A ride to your a damn moron and what the heck you going to do about it now avenue. You know that place, don’t you? Doesn’t everyone know that place? Don’t we all on occasion visit that darkness? The place where we know what we are supposed to do to make things better but instead choose for some godforsaken reason not to?
The place where you pretend to be in control and look like you know what you are doing but are in reality just a scared little boy running deeper into the darkness that he so desperately is trying to escape. Kind of like when you used to run away from home when you were very young so you did not have to deal with daddy’s anger when he got home from work. Yet you find yourself running from the darkness, deeper into the darkness, trying to seek refuge.
That’s what it feels like almost, like I am running, but to where? And what from? Could it be that I am running from myself? The answer I may never know or fully understand, or is there even an answer God only knows. Anyways back to my inability to stay sober this past year.
I started this post in December and here it is middle of March and still no change and I been wanting to, and I been meaning to, and I know what I have to do to change my situation but guess what? Still no change in Marc. That’s a big problem it tells me and has been telling me that my addiction has once again become a problem and one that is bigger than me. It screams to me loudly yet I do not or let’s say have not to date changed a damn thing.
I gotta say you all that whole scenario has been kicking my butt lately. It is so frustrating to me to have an almost moment or second of clarity on a given day, make an appointment for an assessment, tell myself were going back to IOP 3 days a week and then miss the appointment! That just makes me look in my mirror, straight into my own eyes and I will get mad at my monster and say something like “listen, I have tried to take your life before do not make me do it again. We are going to change or I am going to change us. But this is going to stop!”
I mean it when I say that and it frightens me at times honestly but I have a literal monster that lives inside me that wants nothing more than to cause me and those around me as much pain as inhumanly possible. So if after a couple decades of trying to change it but you can’t and its wrath of destruction continues on what are you gonna do? I say or excuse me used to say and think just a few years back that I may have to put myself out of my misery to stop this thing from hurting me and anyone around me it cares to at times.
So I tried that a couple of times and I learned that is just not the solution I thought it up to be in my head. I learned so much from those experiences about pain and shame, and where this pain actually stems from for me. And I learned that there is no running from it because the place of refuge we think we are taking ourselves to is actually the birthplace of all the pain we have been feeling our whole lives and in that darkness, you in less than a breath find out how bad it could really hurt.
But, things are different now, today and as of past three and a half years, suicide, self-harm of any type is simply not the answer. It only causes us more pain. The only way out of the darkness that we sometimes face is straight on into and through it by the grace of God, your higher power, anything stronger than you. With that, you run as fast as you can stand straight into it. Feeling as if you just hit a brick wall doing 100 mph. But you keep going despite the pain and although the pain may increase slightly just after busting through that wall it will eventually subside as you come to terms with the things that have happened in your life and get some clean days under your belt.
I will not sugar coat this though for you though sometimes the pain gets the greatest right before the healing comes or that’s been my experience anyway. One must remain diligent with this though because just because we broke free of that darkness and now walk in the light does not mean the darkness is not right behind us chasing us just waiting for us to slip up, to let down our guard. Then Bam! You end up right here where I am in the land of relapse and how in the hell did I allow this to happen again!
So, what’s next? I’m gonna get as mentally and as spiritually prepared as I can and then I have a date, with a hundred mile an hour collision into my brick wall. Thing is, this time, I won’t be running at it alone. This time with my higher power and his soldiers with wings we are going to be on the offense. This time I am not running into the darkness and away from it. This time with my spiritual help I will be running into my darkness and chasing it as it runs from us.
This time I am going to explode through that brick wall and my addiction knows it, sees the change coming and it is just waiting for the moment when it begins to once again cringe, as it hears our boots marching towards it to do battle. Thank you all so much for putting up with me and for all your support along the way I could not do this without you and remember. “Alone we don’t stand a chance, but together, we can change the world.” I Love You 🙂
P.S. I just wanted to share this with you all. I wanted you to know that it is because of all of your love and support over the years that I am able to even do this. It is because of your love and support that I am able to find the courage and the desire it takes to get back up yet again and keep fighting. This was part of a comment a friend/follower of my blog had made after reading an article I shared with her recently thank you all so much for everything stay blessed.
I have been Baffeled and broken and damaged beyond belief. The last part of what you wrote was exactly dead on what and I needed to hear believe… Damn you keep up the fight. You are succeeding in the most important ways when you write this n share this. You bring hope to those who have become hopeless. U reminded me all this suffering is not in vain and without purpose. It’s a heavy burden you carry but in doing so that knowledge and bitter suffering n struggle you live day in and out- it sparks hope, it brings back faith and it saves lives.
About The Author: Marc is a 50-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”