By: Marc McMahon
Holy smokes one dose of Zoloft this morning and I can already feel my feel good slowly coming back. I mean writing as of late has been a chore, to say the least. It was as if my laptop had acquired this magic power that it wielded every time I sat down with a desire to write. I would turn on my computer, sit down, stare, and out loud say "no." It was beyond weird because nothing brings me more joy than writing. Wierd because that is how my recovery started. And weird because that is where I find my identity as an individual right now.
With those three things missing these past two months I have been just a shell of a man trying to maintain all that the whole me has worked for this last year and a half. All while trying to figure out what the hells going on with me. So, like I said I started therapy, got back on some meds but at first there was no Zoloft which is my anti-depressant which helps me to not get the excuse my French the fuck it's and lose interest in my life because with my bi-polar not treated that happens and can be a real problem if left that way. It can literally cause me to kill my damn self which is a scary thing to live with but one that does not have to control me!
I Want To Say I'm Sorry
Hence medication. We started with Abilify which I am told is Dopamine replacement therapy and added the Zoloft yesterday thank God. With that being said I want to apologize for the tone of my last two articles, my lack of interests online lately and my overall general attitude. I have been on edge since I started the Abilify but wasn't sure if it was the drug or me, or both. Or was it something else entirely? In talking to my aunty last night she nailed it when she asked me "sweetie you have been a little on edge lately haven't you? I can hear it in your writing, you know the Abilify can do that hun at first." I was like booyaa the light bulb is on. That was it and the Zoloft which I always feel fast seems to have balanced that out. So forgive me if at times I still lose my damn mind. I guess I am still not that well yet either lol, but you know what? It could be worse. So at just shy of a year sober, I think I am alright with that :). I mean a Momentary Lapse of Reason was a great Pink Floyd album anyways, see my silliness is back and it feels really good to thank you, Lord.
A Change Can Be Good
You know sometimes when you are not feeling up to par or maybe just bored with the day in day out routine of your life and you find yourself not wanting to do anything? That is kind of where I had been lately. I give credit to my medications for helping alleviate some of that but I also today did something that I think may have been the other helping factor. I went to this Peer Support Club I have been seeing this past two years here in town and I actually walked inside and inquired about their services. It was really cool it caters to people living with mental health disabilities and who are in recovery from life. My kind of folks for real and super kind.
They are open M-F and have scheduled events daily like, bingo, mochas & movies, crafts on Wednesdays and Karaoke on Fridays even, lol I had to giggle at the visual I got of us all singing we got the whole world in our hands or something, too funny. Like the one flew over the cookoos nest choir lol. My point is though that sometimes in order for there to be a change we have to take action. For example, if staring at the wall beyond my computer strikes me as completely boring and fruitless then maybe I should go somewhere else and stare at a different wall awhile and see if I dont't feel better.
That is what I did today. I woke up took my meds, got feeling good enough to get out and just went I had no idea I would end up there but I know somebody who did. You got it my H.P. my Holy Spirit, my King, my Jesus! He knew exactly what I was going to do and short of being too scared to open the door when I arrived it was a failproof plan but God always leaves room for personal choice contrary to some belief, it is simply free will and has to be if God is indeed all loving and it really shows he is. But back to my point, he knew that today was the day his warrior-child would be brave enough to open that door and by simply inquiring he was asking for help. See how we can get our needs met if we just get up and do.
We Just Have To Move
It takes action to recover. It takes action to succeed. All things that are worth anything require us to move and go get them. They, for the most part, will not come to us, at least not most of us. Most of us must scratch, claw, and grab everything single thing we have. But in doing so we have earned them, nothing we take action towards that is positive for our lives can be taken from us without a fight. Just like our recovery.
It took action to break the chains of addiction, and it will take more action and even more work to keep them broke. With that being said when we find ourselves complacent, or bored as I had we should be alarmed and a red flag should go up and we should move. Action even if it is simply asking someone else for help. And one more thing just FYI a note to guys that were raised as I. Although we were told real men don't ask for help, We Do! Real Men do what's necessary in order to be Real Men! I love you all so much and thank you again for sharing in my journey, stay blessed.
About the Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”
