By: Marc McMahon
Things get different in recovery I have noticed now that I am a bit older and have actually made it past my usual relapse points. I now have as clear of a view of my sobriety as I have ever had before. I’m getting older, those around me are getting older, but what I am noticing the most difference in is, my parents are getting older, especially my dad.
I was just blessed and given the opportunity to visit with my dad for three days over this past weekend and it was great on one hand because I had not seen him in almost 2 years, and frustrating as hell on the other hand because dads getting older and I don’t know maybe doesn’t always make sense all of the time like he used to I guess you could say.
I mean it’s really weird having one of the people you always went to for advice now seeking yours. Or having the roles reversed from dad giving son wisdom to son having to explain it to dad, a total role reversal and it was not until this visit that I noticed it. To make this transition more difficult dad of course still thinks he makes complete and perfect sense all of the time when in all actuality he doesn’t, he can’t.
Not after a heart attack and that second stroke that killed the left side of his brain and stole 1/3 of the vision in his left eye. Even with all that what does he do, drives with 1 1/2 eyes from Seattle to Eugene Oregon like everything was normal because to him admitting he can’t make the drive due to his health would be a sign of weakness and admission of defeat by the inevitable grace of age.
How To Deal With It
Shoot who knows, I guess it is one of those things like parenting that you just kind of learn as you go I suppose. I am definitely not going to run down to my local bookstore and buy a copy of “How to deal with aging parents in recovery for dummies” anytime soon. It is all good though, just another plot twist in the game of my life now that I am clean and sober.
I am definitely not bitching about the situation just getting it off my chest because for a short time after he left it troubled me a bit. I didn’t know how to process all of it or was not even sure if maybe I overstepped my bounds in correcting his errors in calculated thinking. But, its ok now because I have you all to share it with.
Thank God for you all, otherwise, this stuff would stay bottled up inside until enough pressure built, I exploded into a violent blast of self-destruction. So again, thank you all so much for reading, you are my heroes! It is weird because I can remember being a young boy and overhearing conversations between my mom and her sisters about their parents aging (my grandparents) and how to deal with it. Just a natural part of life so now that I shared it I can let it go and move on, so again thank-you, I needed that.
In Other News
Many of you have heard me refer to this year as my “Year of First’s”. I made it past my usual 5 months then relapse now and that is the first time that has happened to me since 2010, and only the second time ever in my 22 year pursuit of long-term recovery. Only one other time have I made it past 5 months and now I just past the 7-month mark so look out because that makes me really, really, excited about my chances of doing this thing this time.
As a matter of fact, I am going to do it this time! This needs to be my last recovery attempt and Sobriety needs to be from here on out. That is my hope, my belief, and most importantly, my almost daily prayer! I am so excited for the opportunities remaining clean are bringing me that I have to pinch myself sometimes. It is really weird to have gone through life for so long ashamed, disgusted with self and afraid to look at the image of your own monster in your mirror that it makes all this goodness coming ones way seem like it must be some kind of sick joke.
Like it is all just some twisted ploy to get my hopes up so someone can come along and pull the carpet with my dreams out from underneath me and tell me, ” you can’t do this your an addict and addicts relapse so I can’t take that chance sorry” and they leave you crushed and walk away with your dreams. BUT!!! That my friends, this time, is simply, just not the case.
Nope, this time as long as I stay clean my H.P. say’s I can have anything that I set my mind to as long as I am clean. It is as if my God say’s if you stay clean and sober Marc everything you touch will turn to gold, especially if it benefits my people and spreads my love. It’s all promises from my God’s best selling book “The Holy Bible”, fitting is it not? That my God is an Author too!
One last thing before I go. I for the first time in my 48 7/8 years on this planet turned in my first voting ballot. Yeppers and it was so fitting, for my very first ballot there was only one item on it to vote for here in this little town I now call home. So different than the city of almost 3 million I moved from 2 years ago, so different.
In closing I am now officially, a legal wage earning, registered voting, law-abiding member of this community. That has not been the case in my life since I was a teenager, seriously! So for me to mark my vote, seal that envelope, and then drop it in the ballot box at City Hall yesterday was like having an out of body experience I smiled all the way home on the bus thinking to myself I cannot believe that just happened to me. I mean people figured my future had to possibilities. A life in prison or an early death.
Well, guess what, my God’s calling bullshit on human understanding and he say’s just watch what I can do with the ones your society has deemed undesirable. He say’s not only will I raise them up to be great soldiers in the “Army of God” but I will make them find favor with God and Man.
So if your struggling with your recovery its ok just keep fighting. If your disease knocks you down and you relapse, its ok just do me a favor and always keep breathing. That way when you get sick and tired of sleeping in the alleyways or doorways you can come back and join me here in this recovery thing because shoot you all I need you.
Remember for 22 years I tried like hell to get and stay clean and sober and could not for more than 5 months at a time and I wanted to die. I even tried taking my own life more than once but God had other plans, and he has other plans for you. If I can escape the mighty grasp of Satan and kick him in the teeth to escape, then one day you shall too! You only have to remember to do one thing.
Please Keep Breathing! I Love You.
About the Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”