A Love That Hates

*If you want to be in a relationship with an addict you HAVE to be in treatment….or some kind of fellowship or that love kills or harms in a deep way….an addict is fighting demons they CAN NOT CONTROLL ON THEIR OWN


By: Dawn Reif

He wanted God in our lives but his soul was already gone…sold to the devil.

We started each day with a prayer and each meal stared with a prayer. As our lives together grew, I thought I was falling in love, but actually, I was completely giving up everything, my life, my money and my time. The devil wanted my soul to but I did manage to escape….the wages of sin leads to death and I escaped death. I discovered a Love that can kill and I really hope now that I know …I can discover what love is truly meant to be and that starts with knowing the author of love God.

I hope someone can learn from my story and get help before even attempting love on your own terms.

I yearned for love and found this dating website and the sweetest words I ever saw…someone was looking for someone to share their life with someone special…someone that had something going for them. The writer sounded adventurous so I took a chance to respond…. only thing was I still had my kids dad in the picture.

As I got to know the guy, he encouraged me into a relationship with him after I told him the kids dad and I was not in a relationship but just living together…the guys name is John…of course he was apprehensive about it so I got the kids dad a plain ticket out of my life. Once he was gone John and I wasted no time getting to know each other and move into a house together….my intentions to escape my old life, his intentions, to find someone who could provide him with security.

We spent a whole 3 months getting to know each other and moved in despite the red flags…his anger, his dislike of my teen daughter, even the first date when he asked me to wire money back to him because the date was more expensive than he thought and if I wanted to stay in touch with him I should wire him money…I did….I paid everything..our water bill…the security deposit, and even planned to pick up a table he wanted….he wasn’t there to help me instead I chatted with him the whole time…later he explained his problem…I still moved in with him….I loved him… I knew about addiction all my life, my mom was an addict…
So began our journey….a journey that will haunt me forever. ….

ltThe Nightmare Begins

I put all my trust in him…thinking my trust and the responsibility I was trusting him with would distract him from drugs…he’d be responsible for paying my van payment….when I checked my bank account all my money was gone while he happily hid in the bathroom for hours…I was stupid. He took complete control of everything and I did like it…slowly I was losing my grasp on everything I held dear…all my principles…. my achievements….my sanity…my kids,..my health…my job…,

He was good looking, strong-willed, active, and talented. He could fix anything…I asked him one day…”If it is that great that you have to lie to me and take all my money. ,, I’d like to try it” I even quit drinking alcohol for a long time ..I was the mom working two jobs…but with him working on a farm (my sexy cowboy) and me working in thought ah what heck….he led me to the basement.

Then I Tasted Satan

He handed me what they call a stem and put a tiny white Rock in it….I dragged in the smoke got a cool rush pulse from head through toes, and a tingle in my throat and that for me,was it. From that point on this was the extent of our relationship. His hands were shaking as if he knew what he was doing with me was wrong, but as he watched me drag in the smoke, I knew this is what he wanted with me all along this was the love that kills…..


I tried to prevent this moment with yelling, preaching, being a good example, but he approached everything I said with anger, intimidation, control, and lies…So many lies I don’t think he knew what the truth was. But I knew after all I tried to blame on him I knew all along I was an addict waiting to happen.

He was a master…I was under his spell… he taught me to beg for him…if I said no he’d show me his rage and even threaten to kick me out or get other girls involved, he punched holes in the walls threw things at me…He convinced me to go to a mental facility in a very compassionate way…..only to use that against me ….I had no credibility he’d abuse me …I’d call the cops they’d believe him ….he was a master at what he did to keep getting the drug…conned my family. ..his family…charity…. his boss my boss. The game was fun. My credit was ruined ….the fun turned into deep despair for me…I tried to OD on my sleeping pills.

The Great Escape

I left him went to a shelter…he always convinced me to come back …we got evicted from five houses…lived in a tent…I lost my job and went through at least ten…we were together for five years…I finally left on mothers day…my son begged me he was suicidal too…my daughter became homeless at first but had a place when she got me away from John….he still called me…I still snuck out to see him…I loved him …I wanted to stop the drug…my daughter hid my keys…..I did manage to get clean. I had a lot of help… I would talk to him from time to time and he’d use the bible to judge me…he’d lie and say he was recovering. ….that was him master manipulator wanting all control even though his life was completely out of control…Our last date was to get him fitted for dentures…..

He kept calling me…I kept praying. ..I avoided his calls…I knew how bad my love for him was….the debt collectors were calling and the last promise he made to me was that he would give them some money… those debt collectors called to verify that he would pay but they could not get a hold of him….

My daughters got a call….they found his body in a cool little peaceful place next to a fracking machine….

Till Death Do Us Part

His soul was sold in 1991 with the invention of crack and he was completely addicted to it until he died….he had COPD. ..he would rather have that drug than pay for water, heat,, or electricity before he met me he’d sleep with a different hooker each night….He was convicted of vehicular manslaughter and only served four years for the death of another human being..,, he continued to drink steal cars. ..

He once said his life was better in prison…..he had a mouth that was a lethal weapon even with his parents.it was his dad that gave him his last twenty dollars…it was fentanyl., not his drug of choice…I think it was murder….the devil may have purchased his soul but the devil still roams among us……I never knew John, I never knew love, only this love that kills

You see a ride and money….even freedom for a person like John is what killed him….he never had a chance and we are all left devastated

At one time he was human and had little boy dreams…he was adopted into a Strict religious home but they ended up getting divorced. ..his adopted dad got into swinging when John was 14 and his mom signed him up for big Brothers big sisters….. the man wrote him a Love letter….Johns spirit was broken……

A Love that can kill

It doesn’t have to be that way….keep God as a guard always
Let no one or nothing deceive you…

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s