BY: Marc McMahon
I don’t think I need to ask if any of you have ever experienced boredom in your recovery. I think that at some point we have all experienced it as we moon-walk the road to happy destiny, (some trudge that road but I prefer to dance along it.)
When you begin to encounter that bored feeling, that feeling that say’s is this boring life all that sobriety has in store for me? Am I going to be able to live without the excitement of my previous dysfuctional life? How long will this feeling last? Oh my God is their something wrong with me, do others get bored in recovery too?
Just a few of the questions that have passed through my mind regarding recovery over the past couple of decades. When I first began to experience these feelings in recovery they were completely overwhelming. I can remember the power and force that my addiction used to shoot those questions through my head with.
Then based soley on that one suggestion, my disease would have me questioning weather or not getting clean and sober was really in my best interests and if so was this boring new substance free life going to be exciting enough for me to take part in?
I can remember on more than one occassion early on in sobriety where those questions would cause me to question what I was trying to do with my recovery and send me back out to see if there was not a way that I haven’t tried to still use but be more successful at it this time.
Of course my results always ended up the same, jails, institutions, and on more than a few occassions, almost death! So are you currently in this prediciment? Is your addiction causing you to question weather recovery is really something you need or were you just overreacting when you had that thought do you think?
Allthough I am not the one who God has chosen to have those answers for you I can do this. I can tell you how it was, is, and has been for me the few times I have dealt with this over the years. Hopefully from that I can gain some insight into what I am going through and possibly give you some insight into what reasons you may be thinking about this too.
It all started about a week ago. Things were going along very well I had a routine that I had become accustomed to and my body was even begining agree with this new scheadule as well. I could tell I was happier with my new scheadule, my sleeping had improved and my appetite was slowly beginning to return.
Last Tuesday however a monkey wrench was thrown into my life which caused my new highly favorable scheadule to be altered severely. My commitment to help out by sharing my writing with other addicts at a local treatment center came to an abrubt end sadly.
Not because anybody did anything wrong, it had to do with some obscure treatment center policy that someone ran across and brought to the attention of their superiors which stopped me from being able to do that anymore on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
I tell you about this cause it bugs me and if something bothers me I write about it until it begins to make sense to me or someone offers insight that helps me in moving past what bothers me. So for this past week I have been in kind of a tailspin you could say for lack of better words.
My sleeping is back to 1.5 at a time and the times in which my body allows me to sleep are all over the place. For example this past four days I have slept a couple hours before midnight then I wake, stay up till 4 am, then I go back to sleep for another hour or two. It is beyond crazy and frustrating.
Then since I have no scheaduled events now during the week my addict has been trying to convince (again mind you) that recovery really isn’t for me nor do I really need to be clean and sober in order to have a productive future.
Just more of the same bullshit he always throws at me as I get into what I call the danger zone this time. You see these next two months are crucial for me and my recovery and I want you all to know this as well cause the more that know the better off I am. Only 1 time in the last 22 yrs that I have been trying to get clean have I not relapsed during this up and coming 45 day period.
Sounds crazy I know but what can I say that is the way it is. I know that being this aware of the dangers that this next two months pose is half my battle because I have never been this aware of it in the past, thank God for my awareness this time!
What am I going to do about it? Well, first I need to find a few things to do during the week to give back even if its serving meals to the homeless I am all about that, hell someone served them to me and I would want someone still serving if I returned. Then I am going to simply keep writing about it and stay as transparent as possible not only to myself but to those around me as well. In hopes that maybe someone might see a warning sign if I do not.
Where does that leave me? It leaves me a nervous soldier cleaning his weapon in his fox hole just hours before the next big mission. Not only A soldier who is confident in his abilities to stop the enemy dead in his tracks but one who is admittedly a little scared and who carries the utmost amount of respect for his opponent.
I just want to get through this next 45 days and get myself and my feet planted a little more firmly in my recovery. I know its one day at a time but I cant help but day dream of how good it will feel to reach this personal milestone I have set.
Thank you for taking the time to read, to support me personally, and for being such an important part of my recovery and my life.
I Love You All
About the Author: Marc is a 48 yr. old Author, speaker, and soldier against the disease of addiction. He resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Marc’s hobbies include writing, Mt. biking, hiking, and drinking copious amounts of coffee. Marc is also the proud father, of one very outstanding young man. As Marc always likes to say “Be blessed, my friends.”