Into The Uknown of My Recovery


BY: Marc McMahon

I wrote a few articles back about a distant memory that had just recently resurfaced of my real Father trying to kill my mom and me on a Christmas Eve when I was about 5. Since then I have getting these little snapshots into my childhood, like memory flashbacks,  the equivalent to a 2-3 second movie trailer.

They are from what I figure about 2 years later, looks like I am about 7-8 in the images. It is kind of hard to try and put into words any better than that. If you have ever seen any of the Jason Bourne movies where he has those flashbacks to when he was first hired by the agency. Those super fast little glimpses into his past where he figures he can find the parts of who he is that have been lost. It is exactly like that, and actually, that is exactly what I am trying to do here as well.

The mysteries of my childhood being rationed out to me in frustratingly small increments. The final key to my future repressed in a memory from long ago. The light to overtake the rest of my darkness so I can finish becoming all that I have been created to be!

There is something inside of me that tells me there are answers to my addiction hidden in those memories. I know it, I can feel it and I have been trying my best to piece it all back together but I can only do so with what I know. So until my mind or my spirit whatever it is at work here. Decides to give me another glimpse of that memory I have to wait.

Then through trying to do this and explaining what I was up to with my C/D counselor. I learned that the events contained in this memory are considered to be severely traumatic and need to be dealt with all by themselves just like I am treating my addiction. That new studies are showing that recovery from addiction for most is not possible long-term where severe trauma has been left untreated.

As a matter of fact  Feb. 4, 2012, Elements Behavior article states; 

Treatment specialists stress that in order for patients to completely pull away from an addiction, any underlying trauma in the patient must first be identified and healed. If the patient has no other means of coping with the trauma than with drugs or alcohol, then the cycle repeats itself, sometimes even years after a person has overcome their addiction.

Trauma’s Lifelong Impact

For some individuals, trauma experienced as a child may lie dormant for years and resurface when they are an adult. This reappearance of painful chaotic emotions may cause the individual to feel helpless about their future.

Traumatic experiences can be either physical or emotional. The seeds of trauma are planted when harmful experiences or stresses happen in a place or situation in which the person cannot remove them self. Sexual or verbal abuse, witnessing violence, and chronic stressful lifestyles as a child are just a few of the situations that may lead to trauma.

Victims often turn to addiction to mask this pain as it resurfaces. Alcohol, drug, and sex addiction, along with eating disorders are some of the addictions that trauma victims form Here is the entire article.

I had never heard of the correlation before until this past two months and it makes complete sense to me. It gives me a ton of hope for this go around at stringing together some fucking clean time over a year, I mean shit!! My counselor is sure that once we identify and deal with all the trauma that is surfacing from my childhood that me relapsing will become a thing of the past. And ya know I believe it too, and that feels really good today.

Something has been getting in the way of my long term recovery ever since I started this venture some 21 years ago. I know in my heart that with what I know, the sincere desire I have to want to quit, and my drive to succeed, that there is no way in hell I should relapse every year no way. But I do, all those years of treatment and we been missing something, I’m very hopeful this is it.

The more and more I research the correlation that trauma has to successful addiction recovery the more evidence I find to support that theory. I mean tons of it and I am a believer in it. You know hope is a funny thing; You don’t know you need it until it comes.

Be blessed, my friends.


About the Author: Marc is a 48 yr. old Author, speaker, and soldier against the disease of addiction. He resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Marc’s hobbies include writing, Mt. biking, hiking, and drinking copious amounts of coffee. Marc is also the proud father, of one very outstanding young man. As Marc always likes to say “Be blessed, my friends.”




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