BY: Marc McMahon
Monday morning and I am off for my weekly one on one visit with my therapist to recap the past week’s events. So she can make sure I have not had any hair brain ideas over the past week, that I deemed to be so profound, I acted on them without seeking any rational person opinion first.
I walked into the office happy and way more caffeinated than any human should be allowed to be. When the receptionist regretfully informed me my therapist was out sick for the day and I would have to reschedule.
After the initial burst of frustration passed, because this of course was not how I had planned my morning to go, being O.C.D. things need to go as planned damn it! I smiled and told the receptionist no big deal I’ll send her an email and make another appointment.
Walking out the office door I was wondering what to do next? Then it came to me, just two blocks away in between the brick wall of a warehouse and a 6-foot tall chain link fence were the narrow three-foot wide alley that I had got high in last.
The location of my last use, and almost the end of my life. I had walked near that spot a few different times as I have strolled through town here this past few months, but never actually had the courage to walk by it and stare the beast in the eye!
I had wanted to on more than one occasion, just to prove to it that I was stronger than the memory it had carved into my mind. But every time I started walking in that direction my stomach would grow increasingly tense making feel like I was going to vomit. I always instinctively turned around, abandoning that idea as dangerous and foolish, along with “what the hell are you thinking Marc, what is it exactly you are trying to prove here?”
Today though with extra time now on my hands and a few months more sobriety under the belt I entertained that thought again. This time, though, I felt a great peace when my mind began to digest what I was about to do.
Down the block I went, head up, shoulders back, a proud soldier in recovery going to conquer a real life demon named, remember what you did over here? I walked to the front of that warehouse and much like a little boy peeking around the corner to see if his parents are near before he does something naughty. I too peaked around the warehouse real quick, snuck a peek into that dark narrow space and with a gasp of breath stepped back.
Was almost frightening at first, like the first time you and your buddy ever decided to walk across the graveyard in the middle of the night when you were still young. I caught my breath, regained my composure, and boldly stepped into the abyss. Staring right into that dimly lit area I smiled, thrusting a victorious fist into the air saying Thank You Jesus!!
With that being said the evil I had once known to be there was now gone. The negative memory of my last use and thoughts of suicide that tugged at my soul every time I walked in that vicinity, gone.
I faced one of my demons on this early Monday morning. I stepped right smack dab in the middle of my fear and I prevailed! That place no longer has a hold on me now. I have for this instance, been set free again, from another small part of the bondage of addiction.
I can do this, I am doing this, and it is starting to feel really good inside! If I can do this, then guess what? You can do this too!! Believe that, believe in you, because I believe in you. I want you to know that I will do anything in my power to help you overcome your demons too. That alone we don’t stand a chance, but together, we can change the world!
Be blessed you all.