By: Marc McMahon
Sometimes I struggle with who the hell I really am in recovery. Am I really this nice guy who wants to help change the world a little bit daily by sharing his love of all with others. Or, am I the no good piece of shit drug addict like my internal talk sometimes tell me and that who I am today is just a facade. My internal talk tells me you have been a damn drug addict for the last half of your life and that will never change. Who the hell do you think your kidding Marc this is just another one of your scams to further your real motive getting high! It tells me when I am out in public I do not belong and that everyone can tell I was a drug addict so why don’t I just go be one and quit fooling myself.
Sometimes the internal chatter can be overwhelming leaving you to decipher what the hell is really going on and leaves you looking in the mirror asking the question “Who am I”. It really troubles me at times and tells me when I am out for my morning walk and I see a really nice house and I just want to stop and admire its beauty a minute but my internal talk tells me if I do people will think I am just scoping the place out for a robbery later. It is so crazy and so loud sometimes I just really wish it would shut the hell up but it won’t, it persists, unwanted and unhindered. It is a thorn in my side I just wish was not there, but I know like every other weird feeling in recovery that this to shall pass.
It is just weird being who I am today compared to who I have been most of my life. I never really thought about it before but when your a drug addict for as many years as I have been it really defines who you are as a person even though thats not the real you if that makes sense. It puts that label on you that is very hard to break. It wraps the wreath of stigma around you and tells you once an addict always an addict and it drills that into your brain even while you’re in recovery. You see I don’t believe anymore that once your an addict your always an addict.
I believe that is the safest way to probably look at it just for self-preservation purposes but not necessarily the reality of the situation. I believe that at one time I was a die-hard drug addict but I am not no more and nobody can tell me I am don’t believe me go ahead and try :). No, but seriously there was a time when if I would have seen a bag of dope even in recovery it would have been enough to cause me to relapse because I was still an addict even though in early recovery. But today my recovery is different because I no longer see myself or feel myself being an addict.
Today if someone showed me a bag of dope I may just cram it right down their damn throat my anger towards that drug is so strong. Today it does not rule me because something happened inside of me that changed it all. Something I cannot explain but a spiritual gift has been given to me that has allowed me to lose the taste for drugs and alcohol. I think this change is available to all if we just hang on and try not to relapse. And if we do we simply need to get back up, wipe the dust off of us, apologize to yourself and keep it pushing.
If we don’t give up on ourselves after a relapse recovery at some point in time is almost certain and I say that with confidence. SO if your struggling just hold the hell on and keep breathing and this to shall pass just like my negative self-talk passes so will your cravings. Just hang on, keep breathing, and keep reaching out and one of us will find you and give you a hug thats my peeps I call the Recovery Posse. Thank you all for taking the time to listen to me ramble and thank you so much for being a part of my recovery, I love you all.
About The Author: Marc is a 49-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”