When The Past Becomes Present

BY: Marc McMahon

Wasn’t sure what to write about but I was just thinking back on my teenage years and instead of my mind immediately going to a stored sports memory from that time which is always happy. My mind took me the other direction this morning. This morning we strolled along the wow you were getting high as often as you possibly could from ageΒ  14 on. I mean high, mushrooms, Lsd, the whole nine and I started to think why? What was it at such a young age that caused me to want to escape from the reality of my daily life. Because to me, that’s what it looks like I was trying to do.

What I just came up with kind of shocked me, to be honest with you. But what it was I think is that I was very, very, unhappy at home. I mean my parents would find me in the middle of the night laying in bed in a pool of vomit passed out drunk sometimes at age 14. Not the sign of a happy youth I don’t think. I mean to me it looks like I was screaming unhappy with everything but my mouth. I mean I am not sure this is all news to me as I write so bare with me. Sometimes my soul or spirit whatever it is that shows me the truth when I write is trying to go somewhere with this. But even my little brother from an early age drank extensively until at age 18 the doctors became concerned with the condition of his liver forcing him to stop (obviously not an addict like me because he could stop.)

Feeling Better

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But since I started taking my medication for my bi-polar again I am not only feeling better but my whole overall performance on a daily basis has improved including my memory. That coupled with being just a couple days away from my year sobriety birthday. Which I know helps a lot in the memory department. But recently I have been having memories of my childhood I never have. Almost at times as if I step into my shoes as a child to see how I was feeling at that moment. It sounds bizarre I am sure but I have done it and it’s a weird feeling to be an adult and feel a young boys lonliness. Or the fact he didn’t feel like he belonged sometimes. Or how he felt he needed to get it right the first time or what not. I was a very confused child I am learning.

So what to do with all of these new feelings, emotions, and memories? Well, I got a new therapist last week who is heaven sent I just adore her I cannot wait for Tuesday to see her again and talk more. I am going to explore all of this with her safely, and calmly in a protected environment and learn how to heal and be whole again. Let my medications work and hopefully continue to increase my sleep. With all of that my year and some days of sobriety and God and I should be well on my way.

It’s Time To Live

I was just thinking about my depression and how it makes me bored with everything around me and I thought. If I was told I only had a year to live would I live the same way? The answer no way! Definitely not! I would probably be busy every day doing something as if it was my last time enjoying every second of every day as if it was my last. So I thought well if that is the case then what the hell am I doing allowing depression to rule me?

Or it doesn’t rule me but definitely has control at times which with that last thought should not be so because every moment could be our last right? If that is the case we need to start living large my friends I mean seriously enjoying life. I know there is a lot I want to do still and I think with my new sobriety now is that time to start. Anyone with me? Well, then awesome let’s make this a short post and get to living. I love you all, thank you. πŸ™‚

About the Author:Β Marc is a 49-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, β€œbe blessed, my friends!”

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4 thoughts on “When The Past Becomes Present

  1. Yup to the memories from earlier days coming back, yup to the loneliness and feeling unhappy as a teenager. Very recognisable. πŸ™‚ I call them the layers of the onion; keep on peeling them off untill you get to the core. We have systems in place which protect us from the truth because we could not deal. Addiction is a coping mechanisme. Take away the coping mechanism and slowly but surely the underlaying issues will return. 😦 / πŸ™‚
    My therapist once semi jokingly semi observant said: “Nothing is as good a cure against depression as a life threatening (near) accident.” Which I think is rather nasty but very true because the shock of that restores the physical connection to Life, to one’s vital essence. So yes to the ‘if I had a year to life’. That works because it brings the body to that re-connecting point. πŸ™‚ Whatever floats your boat. πŸ˜€ I would not try the life threatening near accidents though… I suddely do see how my own high-risk behaviour ‘helped’ me against the depression brought on by alcohol. Hmmm, bad combination. I am grateful that I quit drinking.
    Wishing you a lovely Easter.
    xx, Feeling

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  2. Happy Easter, Marc!!
    I am so glad you have a good therapist to help you.
    I learned that there are some past situations that get “crystalized” in our brains.
    For example, in 4th or 5th grade, I was sent to the corner of the gym all by myself to practice a somersault, s I couldn’t do them. I remember VIVIDLY the humiliation of being sent there in front of my classmates. The feelings, shame, visuals, were saved in my brain, almost as they were happening right then.
    I have worked through many of those crystalized experiences, and although I remember them,
    it’s not painful anymore.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

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