By: Marc McMahon
Do you know I have been noticing lately that I have as much negative self-talk going on almost as I do positive. Or at least there is enough of it to cause me to notice anyway. I suppose it has probably always been there I have just not been coherent enough in my own life to notice it. Another part of getting some clean time under my belt noticing little things like this. I am finding that the things I tell myself that are negative are based on the person I was in my addiction, not the man I am today. My talk should be based on the new me but it is not it still comes from the years of being the miserable, piece of crap, that I was back then. And no, I am not being too hard on my poor old self for calling it what it was!
I say all of this because I had an experience this morning while walking to my buddies house. You see every day that I go to his house I walk right by this elementary school which borders this park I cut through in order to make my walk shorter of a distance. Well, I never cut through the school parking lot to make my walk any shorter I always take the sidewalk down and around the long way as to not look like a pedophile or something cutting through the school frequently. Or at least that is what I tell myself.
But in saying that and maybe it is in this day and age a valid thought but in saying it, it also kinda implies it to oneself. I don’t know but sometimes I tell myself I don’t belong somewhere when I really do. Like this morning I was walking by this school and it was busy. Crossing guards were out, school buses filing in and out, frantic parents doggng children with their vehicles as to drop off the kids and get to work as quickly as possible. And of course security up on the sidewalk overseeing it all as a mother goose would her geese.
As I approach from the far side my heart immediately warms at the sight of it all and I feel a smile on my face. I walk up to the corner and greet the morning crossing guard and we chat then I head left towards the school, the park, and what appears to be the oldest school crossing guard I have ever seen. His name I am not sure but what a cool old cat he must have been 90 could hardly stand but he was all bundled up smiling never the less and I had to say hi.
After we talked I proceeded on when I looked over at the school and it was so cool all the kids playing it brought me right back to sixth grade this morning. As I walked through the park I noticed something. Today when I went by the school, I did not feel out of place. I did not feel like everyone there could tell I was a drug addict and couldn’t be trusted with their kids. I didn’t feel that today and usually, to be honest, you all, that is exactly how I usually feel when in a situation like that. It is not cool, and I thought about it. It is not even true what I am telling myself.
I may have not been present as a dad to my kid because I, unfortunately, chose drugs instead, and man that pisses me off about myself but I’m over that, I think. But nobody and I mean Nobody loves children any more than me accept their parents and Jesus! I just adore them they are so precious especially the little ones, they so need us and today I was able to share some of that and be present in my truth and no longer live in my lie. My negative self-talk, most of it is just bullshit excuse my french.
I mean most of it is based on who I used to be not who I am now. Most of it is a damn fabrication created by my addiction to cause me to feel so bad about myself I relapse. It is a trick my addiction is playing to try and induce enough self-pity that I get a case of the fuck its and go get high. Just keeping it real here I try not to swear but sometimes. A tricky little bastard like I always call him and until writing this I had no idea that was exactly the case but that sure makes sense to me!
I just wanted to share in case others experience some of the same thing. If you do, no your not alone. Even with as positive, and optimistic outlook as I have on life I still today almost a year sober struggle with it too. I think although unhealthy it is probably normal and I presume most of us in recovery struggle with this but like with me, with time, this to shall pass my friends. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read it means the world to me, I love you!
About the Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”