An Open Letter to Myself

By: Marc McMahon

You know how we all have that little voice inside of us that tells us were not good enough, or not to try that because we won’t succeed. The inner critic that I believe dwells within us all if we are honest about it. The one who tries to constantly get you to second guess yourself almost as if it was trying to stop you from being happy? Well if you know what I am talking about, then ya, that one!

So instead of constantly denying my inner critic, my addiction, my demons, my unfortunate other half, or whatever you care to call it a chance to step up to the podium and speak his mind. I thought this time I would give the little bastard the chance to spew his venom so I can happily chain him back down in the dungeon of my past life never to be heard from again.

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Also, these past few months I have been experiencing these crazy mood swings or not really swings more like lulls. I have mentioned it before in past posts but instead of getting better they are at best staying the same if not at times seemingly worse. I don’t know really, therapy is helping and I see them tomorrow to get a total evaluation by a few of them and the inevitable medications to go along with their findings but at this point, I really welcome them, to be honest.

We shall see I will keep you posted. I have not been online as much these past few weeks I am sure some have noticed and it is ok its just sometimes going through this I have been losing interests in things temporarily thank God and its really odd for me but shoot you all who I am to complain because I have 290 darn days clean and sober today lol that’s so cool :). So the writing below I started the other day out of sheer boredom and trying to shake this mood (and this is really helping, thank you all) so I took let’s just say little bit different approach, hold on :). Love you all and shall be back in full force soon I am sure.

My Monster Speaks 

Finally, I wasn’t sure you were ever going to grow balls big enough to let me speak lol. I mean seriously forty-nine years Marc? It has taken you forty-nine years to finally get to the point where you think you are ready to hear the whole truth, the real truth and nothing but the truth? Good, because I have been waiting a long time to tell you this. Who the hell do you think you are anyway? Don’t think for a minute you’re fooling me with your holy than thou, law-abiding citizen, living life clean and sober routine. Not for a minute.

Wait I take that back RecoveryAuthor1, what a joke! It should be more like AddictAuthor1, or Homeless DopeFiend1, or why don’t you be honest with them Marc how about your family can’t hardly stand you because of your past 1. Oh, this is more fun than I thought it would be. Ooohh here’s a good one, how about you had to leave your home state because I kicked your ass so bad that you fled for your damn life you pussy 1.

First, you think you can boast about recovery which is something you have NEVER been able to attain, nor will I EVER ALLOW you to attain! Never, do you understand me? The only reason you have had so much success is because I have allowed it. Because I needed a damn break. Ya, that’s right, I needed this break because it has been completely exhausting making you look as bad as I have over the past 20 years. I think I might just make you pay for making me work so hard over the years to just for fun and also for all those damn trips to treatment. I mean inpatient ten times Marc over the past twenty years. I hated every time you drug me through one of those bullshit centers, hated it. Much like I hate you just not quite as severe!

Wrap It Up Now

What’s wrong poor little Marc getting his feelings hurt and now he wants to kick me off his stupid little computer so I quit writing on his stupid little blog he thinks so fondly of. What a damn joke like I said before your not fooling me, I am going to just relax as if I am at my vacation home which mind you sits on a prime piece of real estate located right on Satans Lake of Fire. A lovely place I hope to take you to one day, I hope you like the smell of burning flesh. It’s delightful and don’t worry I have a room all ready for your arrival! Until we meet again, in a nightmare near you!

About the Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”

 

6 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Myself

    • You are so awesome. I met with my Psychiatrists for first time today for hr and a half he was very thorough and so he said the same thing you just did and I know this and it can suck but at this point under the care of this guy and the guidance of my therapist weekly and it is all being coordinated with my primary care doc as well so it is really kind of unique how they do it here or at least for me anyhow lol.Plus he is starting me off on only one new med at a time hoping to help my sleep first, but he is going to do it with such tiny increases over the course of 6 weeks just to make sure if I do have a dose that doesn’t sit well with me it will still only have been of a slight increase. I also grilled him about his experience with addicts and how some classes of drugs like benzos and what not are not an option and he is well versed on the topic. So all in all I am kind of excited to work with him and the rest on all of this instead of just me. It will be slow but I dont think any more challenging than what I have been going through. Sorry to ramble have a wonderful night your the Extra Most Bestust :)!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I really enjoyed the perspective of this post. How you let the monster out of his cage! Only way to tame in.

    I hope to catch up on some of the things I’ve been going through because they’ve been similar. My lulls have been feeling like this epic weight.Then you weight it out and they were only feathers. But in the moment they feel like the weight of the world.

    Liked by 1 person

    • For real and Mark I wanted to talk with you as well because I feel you have been or deal with the same monster as I so to speak call me anytime Ill answer if I can talk or call you back if I miss you any day is good but tonight ill be busy. Love ya man! 5416069456

      Liked by 1 person

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