By: Marc McMahon
You know it is probably a good thing when you first get clean and sober nobody comes right out and tells you that in an undetermined amount of time, as it is different for everyone I presume. That I would occasionally be overcome by waves of emotion that if I did not on outward appearance look like a man, would cause people to think I could be no other than a highly emotional teen girl.
I mean I have never experienced it before. I have heard people talk about it around the rooms and in online chats. It is a very specific topic for counselors and clinicians alike, and I have read some of the material on it. But, I am an addict, or former substance abuser, or one who suffers from a Drug Misuse Disorder. You can call it whatever gives brings you peace or sugar coat it, however, is politically correct and package it up all nice and pretty and in the end, you still have one thing. I’m a damn addict period :).
Not sure what prompted the last sentence up there but sure felt good to get that out for whatever reason. You see, speaking of emotions. As of these past two months which would have been month 8 & 9 of my recovery have been a serious, bi-polar, emotional rollercoaster unlike any I have ever experienced before. I realized that when I started writing a year and a half ago now ( wow that long) that God had changed me inside, I knew this because of the words that were coming out of me without me trying to even think to write them. They just came and still do.
Welcome To My World
What surprised me the most was my anger at the world was gone, especially the hatred I had developed for humanity from what I saw of people when I sold product back home if you follow me. You see and I saw it in my boss first. But when you work at that level for the length of time we managed to pull it off and that was almost two years. You see people who are already struggling for who they really are, and you begin to despise the very people you are poisoning but you don’t see it because you are so caught up in being everything that you think . you have become at that time that was an awful lot. But enough of that crap.
My point being I fled home for fear of losing my freedom and possibly my life to this lifestyle, with nothing but anger at the world. But I started writing and the words of hope and love and of my tragedies and truths that came out of me were showing me otherwise and it was very confusing at first but I learned like scripture says “from the abundance of the heart, so the mouth speaks.” I know this to be true for many reasons one simply because “it is written” and the other because I could feel the change.
This change was not temporary either. Six months into this change I had a relapse, but my words and my heart were continuing to change and grow. After a short time I knew it was time and that this time I was going to have a better shot at kicking this thing once and for all then I have had and so far, I’m kicking ass if I don’t say so myself as ten months slowly approaches.
Hope You Like Rollercoasters Hang On
I have so many thoughts racing through my mind right now you all I can’t even describe it really. Being, bi-polar and suffering from an apparent Major Depressive Disorder according to my therapists and Doctors, and did I mention social anxiety on top of it, in recovery is a trip, or in laymen terms completely bizarre. For a fine example I before typing this stepped away from my laptop to make a pot of coffee and have a quick cigarette (gotta quit!) I walked away from my laptop happy and excited about writing this piece and what, maybe 7 minutes later I poured my cup of coffee and just stood there in my kitchen because I had suddenly no energy and no motivation, seriously it is like that.
I literally had to say a prayer sip on my coffee and force myself to sit back down and finish. I didn’t think I was actually going to, but I even surprised myself here today, I did. I fought through it, I didn’t have to, I could have just laid down and slept two hours like I usually do and hope I feel better when I wake. But speaking of change and emotions, this time was different. I surprised myself how cool was that. I am not sure I have ever done that before. I totally just behaved differently than my norm in dealing with this and it worked lol. I won, today, for the moment, I beat it! I am all smiles and giggly now because of it and that is so cool. Thank you for being a part of that it even makes it cooler. 🙂
Well Better Get To The Point
Damn speaking of emotions now my eyes are watering I mean wow it is constant like this you all, well, it has periods that get like this where I experience a range of emotion but mainly joy, to extreme joy with tears. To tears of sadness. It is not the norm for me to experience them in constant succession like they are doing currently, and when that does happen it generally only lasts couple hours then it mellows out a bit, not a lot though :). I love writing I especially love being able to put my I don’t know what you call it my silly sense of humor and how I express it verbally in words. That to me brings me so much joy for some reason.
That and usually once I start typing like I always say something inside just regurgitates whatever it deems necessary to continue my future growth I guess. Always said when I write it is then that my soul is allowed to speak, and it only speaks my truth even if it is being revealed to me for the first time. For me, this can be at times ultra spiritual. Always therapeutic, but sometimes I swear writing transcends a gap between the natural and spiritual like nothing I have ever encountered. That is like recovery if we let it happen.
Need to reread this and see if it even makes sense but praying it does I think that is enough out of me for another week if the worlds lucky. I love you all so much, and I really mean it when I say I literally could not do this without you! Tell somebody else that you love them today and maybe if we all do that an overwhelming sense of good will take over the land and we can all “Live long and prosper”
About the Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”