BY: Marc McMahon
As you all know recovery is a life long journey. One that is full of ups, downs, and all arounds. I wanted to write an article about my disease and the weapons, tactics, and reasons it comes at me the same way every time with relapse triggers. I am going to analyze this process as it starts and try and see what we can learn from it. Are you ready? Let’s begin.
Last week my monster decided that enough was enough and that it was time to put an end to all this recovery business and the making him look bad. So the attacks begin. It started like it always does about four days before my last payday which would have been the end of last month.
I started getting the thoughts of how romantic a bag of dope, a girl friend, and a hotel would be. The same ole line as always he uses. My addiction whispers
“You know if you don’t tell anyone nobody will ever know and it’s just a one-time thing anyway. You deserve it, come on.”
“We can be buds again. What ya say there old buddy Marc?”
………..You said what? Wow, shut the hell up would you, I tell you if I ever get my hands on you I am going choke you till my hands cramp up and I can’t choke no more!”
The usual ice breaker he uses to try and squirm his parasite ass back into my life. We are now on July 16, twenty days since I got paid but there’s not a day that goes by those thoughts are not force fed into my mind at an alarming speed and with tremendous force!
A war I tell you that is for damn sure. I have held fast and plan on keeping it that way but through these articles, I am going to now expose him for the coward that he is. Try to see if we can’t beat him at his own game this time by understanding the way he operates better, and then exposing his weakness, and use them against him.
I was thinking the other day about this whole situation and I thought you know my addiction comes at me the same way every time when I relapse. It’s those before mentioned thoughts over and over day in and day out. But he doesn’t just stop there, oh no this is the big leagues and my monster plays for keeps. So what does he do?
You won’t believe this, but he does this. I go to order some carry out Chinese last night and while I was waiting for my order to be ready I walked into the room at the back of the dimly lit Chinese restaurant to play the video poker machine to pass the time.
The room was empty, and then, there she comes. A cute girl, who has a hotel, a bag of dope, and my relapse written all over her. She sits down at the machine next to me, looks over, smiles, extends her hand, and says hello, my names Summer, can I buy you a beer?
Can you say holy SHIT!! I just stared at her, mouth half open, her cute and half my age and my mind is spinning. It felt like an eternity before I could get the words no thank you formed and out of mouth all while getting up and walking out of the room. I was in such shock that it was not until I got home that I realized I didn’t even cash my ticket out. I just left my $18 in the machine and fled for my life I think. 🙂
Like I said he is playing for keeps and he will not stop at anything to try and get me to fall, that is just the reality of it. I don’t say that for any other reason than to show you the extremes my disease will go to, to get me to relapse. And if he will do it to me, you can be damned sure, he could do it to you!
I was talking with my father the other night about this and I asked him why do you think dad my addiction always comes at me the same way every time I relapse? He said,
“Think about it son, you relapse every time he triggers you, it may take him some work but he always gets you in the end. So if it aint broke, why should he fix it? Do you see what I am saying, son?”
Again wow! Dad was exactly right, there is one good reason my monster hasn’t changed his techniques……..Me. If I always fall for the bait at some point then why the hell would he change it? Shit, buy stock in the bait company and I think that’s what he did. He bought the bait company and patented Marc’s special blend. It’s a best seller I’m sure. Ok just having a little fun. Where was I?
Oh, ok, so then what is it in me that makes getting a hotel, a strange girl, and a bag of dope my weakness? That is where some goodies lie in that little tid bit of information. Obviously, I have some issues regarding that area that not only hasn’t been identified yet, or dealt with at all.
This article is going to have to be done in a few parts or it will be several thousand words which no body wants to read so for the sake of all concerned lets close. In closing, I am in the process of creating a new defense to his little game of cat and mouse he’s playing with me.
I am going to find me a Sober person close by who would be willing to take my call at any hour if needed and just come kick it with me when the temptation gets too strong and stay with me till it subsides. I think it is a good idea and I am not at all afraid to ask for the help because like I always say you all;
“Alone we don’t stand a chance, but together, we can change the world!”
I Love You!
About the Author: Marc is a 48 yr. old Author, speaker, and soldier against the disease of addiction. He resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Marc’s hobbies include writing, Mt. biking, hiking, and drinking copious amounts of coffee. Marc is also the proud father, of one very outstanding young man. As Marc always likes to say “Be blessed, my friends.”