BY: Marc McMahon
Since I returned back to the land of Recovery full time this year finally distancing myself from my last relapse enough to maintain a clear head. I have been noticing some odd thoughts pass through my mind. Usually, when I get clean it is just like the time I got clean before, same thoughts, same activities, the same amount of weight gain.
Something’s just a little bit different about this time though, I can’t say what it is exactly just that it is a hair different. Different enough to notice the random new thoughts going through my mind, different enough to make me question some of what I was taught to be recoveries golden rules never to be questioned. Different enough to know something’s different to the point of making me feel a little uncomfortable at times.
I do not know if this a good thing or a potentially bad thing, all I know is that it is. It is almost as if my soul is slowly introducing myself to all of me in tiny little increments. At first, when I started writing and well this whole past year mainly, have been about experiences I had already gone through and I was able to process the event so it made sense to me through writing it down in words. In turn, I found many of you could also relate as well and I been writing ever since.
Not often though have I written about what is actually going on right at the very moment as I am trying to do here tonight. Tonight I was sitting in my recliner watching a P.B.S. Documentary on Dvd when I caught myself staring off into the opposite direction with my eyes fixated on the wall. I chuckled for a second then as I looked back to the television I wondered what was I just daydreaming about?
As the thoughts began to fill my mind and fast, much like a damned river would fill a parched creekbed. I turned off my t.v. and began to let those thoughts sink in a moment. I had been daydreaming about myself, and about what I am capable of. Not about what I am capable of doing to or for others, but what I am capable of doing to myself, my person, and my life.
I skipped right past the things I can do for myself part because that part I know too well. I already know I am capable of becoming whatever it is I have been destined to be that’s just a matter of whether or not I will allow myself the opportunity to do it, but that’s whole other article.
No, these thoughts were more along the lines of the negative things I am capable of doing to myself and my life. The first time I have ever, ever had a thought that caused me to step outside of myself and look back at me with some fear. In that few moments, I realized that I have a healthy amount of fear I guess you could call it. For the fact that I am capable of destroying myself, literally!
I am not sure if you have ever tried to hurt yourself before physically, especially as it pertains to trying to take your own life but if you have then you may understand this part a little better than others. About 45 minutes ago I realized, I mean it really finally hit home, the thought of “man, I have tried to take my own life before, I tried to murder myself!” I sensed a very awkward and unwanted feeling of fear begin to set in.The fear you feel when you are confronted by someone who is seeking to do you bodily harm and you know that if you are not at your best that they can, and will.
The kind of fear you may face if you were watching t.v and you noticed what was thought to be your locked glass sliding door slowly begin to slide open late one night. That unwanted fear that makes your palms sweat and your stomach do cartwheels, that is what I felt for a moment. It was needless to say a very eye opening experience, one I could have never anticipated having or ever wanting for that matter.
That experience was different, very different to say the least and as I thought about it I thought I need to write about that and see what comes out. My next thought was wait a minute how the hell am I supposed to put that into words so that people can understand what the hell I’m talking about and not think I am crazy? The final thought was, Oh ya, its Recovery Unsensored they already know I’m crazy, so just write!!
Thank God I started this whole journey of writing out on complete transparency of self as it relates to my writing, that way I don’t have to worry about all the rest of it. If it is true that “the truth will set you free.” Then I just have to write my truth and hope it may set someone else free!
Remember, We Can Do This!!
About the Author: Marc is a 48 yr. old Author, speaker, and soldier against the disease of addiction. He resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Marc’s hobbies include writing, Mt. biking, hiking, and drinking copious amounts of coffee. Marc is also the proud father, of one very outstanding young man. As Marc always likes to say “Be blessed, my friends.”