To you my love:
I am writing you this to try and help you to understand why I have done many of the things you now seem to unforgivingly hold me in constant contempt for. To see if I cannot help to shed a little light into what drives the addict to do the things we do.
In hopes that you will come to the realization that none of it was ever intentional.
First of all, none of this was your fault! The things I have done I take full responsibility for- you must realize this. Why do you think I am trying so damn hard to get help and learn how to change? I am doing this for two reasons. First and foremost, because I deserve better than what I have been allowing myself to be. And secondly, because I love you beyond what words can express. I feel so terribly isolated, lost, and completely forgotten without your love. My soul longs for you to finally realize this, where we will go back to being care-free and completely silly in love again.
I would give anything right now to have that. To be able to fill this huge, empty crater inside of me, with nothing but your love. I pray to the universe to give me another chance to feel my heart with yours again. I long for your acceptance, understanding, and compassion. I need you more than the sun needs the moon. Please, for us, try and see that; for you, for me, and for any of the little you-and-me’s we may create, please try and see this! I never intentionally set out to hurt you. That is not who I am, that’s not the person you fell in love with. Although through the years of my addiction I have caused you much pain and unfathomable amounts of heartache, that is not who I am!
I do not expect you to fully understand what I am about to try and explain, because I have been battling with this for most of my waking life and can’t even understand it myself.
I have something inside of me that does not want me to succeed, to be loved, or to be happy. I am still, and will always, be the person you fell in love with. But there is a monster that dwells deep within my soul called addiction. That without anyone really ever being able to see, I must battle to subdue on a daily basis. If I do not, it will rear its ugly head, and its desire to drink or to use its drug of choice, will be far more than I can contend with. At that time, full of complete guilt, shame and oh, so much remorse. I succumb to its desires and use, even though I don’t really want to.
No, that was not a typo, it reads: I use even though I do not want to! It defies logic, understanding, and sometimes even the power of God, it seems. This is my reality. It’s something you are going to need to accept about me for us to be healthy again. I never meant to hurt you. I realize I need help, and that’s what I’m doing. I want this to stop just as badly as you do, and quite possibly, even more so than anybody does! I am hurt, scared, confused, and feeling very unwanted right now. Much like you are feeling hurt, scared and very unappreciated right now, I realize this. It kills me.
I need your help. I cannot do it alone. I have done things that hurt your heart, stole your trust, and made you question whether or not I truly ever loved you at all. I realize this now. I see it. I own it. I am beyond words to tell you how sorry I am for it! I cannot change any of that.
I wish I could, but no amount of prayer or heavenly intervention will ever erase the mistakes I have made. We must move forward now though, we cannot afford to dwell on the things of the past, because they will be a cancer to our future. I need your support now more than I ever have. It is the only way this is going to work. Even with it, this still may end up not working, but my love and desire to be with you, and my drive to keep you in my future, compels me to try. I need you to be willing to fight too, for us!
I need your support, there are moments it seems after we have an occasional heart to heart talk that I get a sense of finally maybe you understand now. Maybe, you see that I never ever wanted you to have to go through this at all. We get along great for a day or two and I begin to actually feel the warmth of your sunshine healing my heart again. My self-esteem is immediately bolstered, and my sense of identity as a human being begins return. Then for some reason, it all stops, just as fast as it started. You begin to berate me, constantly reminding me of all the pain I have caused during my recent relapse. Leaving me feeling the guilt, shame, and broken. These things to me have become normal. My everyday.
I never meant to hurt you, I need your support! I realize that you need time to heal, just as I am taking the time to heal and help myself, and I am trying to give you that time- that space and understanding that you need. But sweetheart, when you constantly- and I know it is probably out of pure frustration- ridicule me for all the mistakes we both know I have already made, you quite unknowingly (maybe), take away not only the little self-esteem I may have regained, but all the progress I have made regarding us. Us.Because you and me- we-that’s what I want again. Hurting you hurt me- and I know you don’t see that, but it eats away at me. Every drink. Every hit. There was always two. One for addiction, and the other for you. Because I couldn’t bear to know- because I couldn’t stop- what I was doing to you.
I am so sorry.
I love you sweetheart, and I need you to help me fix this. Even though you had no part in creating it. You are going to have to be a part of us fixing it. The love I have for us is not enough to fix this on its own, I wish it was. I am tired. And I am weak, and I cannot handle ripping raw wounds we’ve decided to lay to rest. Of how all of this is my fault and how hurt you are by all of it, I know this. I’ll always know.
It is not healthy for us to continue to live like that. That way is not our solution and only will drive us further apart, and create more conflict between and in us in the future. To be honest with you, I find it no longer acceptable to me, I deserve better than that. I have owned up to my part in this. If you fail to realize that, please go back and reread this, please! Help me fix this, please. Together we have a fighting chance.
A chance to hold hands walking through the park again. A chance for you to open the car door for me as I get in, making me feel infectiously silly with my love for you. A chance to lay on a blanket underneath the stars together, silent, with both our minds daydreaming about the beautiful possibilities a future together holds! A chance to be intoxicated with love for one another, to the point you can’t wait to get home from work just to hear my voice. I am prepared to do whatever I have to do to beat this thing and make my paper-made fantasies and reality.
Marc is a 47-yr-old recovering addict, published author, and encourager of all those looking to find the person they were created to be, who lives in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. His hobbies include hiking, mountain biking, fishing. Marc is also the proud father of one very outstanding young man.