Maybe I’m Not Bad

This might sound a little bit weird to you, but most of the stuff I write on here is borderline weird anyway, so maybe you won’t think so. I was sitting here this morning at my laptop with a cup of hot coffee and the house freshly cleaned when I decided to put on some worship music and show my “G” some love but as I started to worship he beat me to punch like he usually does and showed me some of his own.

He went on to show me that the confident, on point, ready to take on the world and undoubtedly win kind of feeling that I was having this morning wasn’t just a feeling I was having it was who I really am. That’s how I’m supposed to feel all of the time, not just when I’m worshiping God.

He flashed my life before me and he showed me who I used to be, who I was when I was born and the man I grew up to be as a young adult. What an incredible, kind, compassionate, lover of life I grew up to be. I was proud of the young man God was showing me this morning. Then after a minute passed I realized the young man I was so proud of in that image was (is) me.

Then came the thought, “Maybe I’m Not Bad.”

When I realized that, I felt like somebody had just lifted 12 million pounds off of my shoulders. I felt so relieved I can hardly explain it and the only thing I can compare it to ironically is it was almost the same feeling I had when I did cocaine that night long ago. The night that started this whole thing. Wouldn’t that be wild if the very feeling I chased for years after doing that line of coke, was the one feeling that ends my addiction if I can find it.

God showed me this morning that I was born a good person and that despite all that I have been through and all that I have done, I still am a good person. That sounds weird to hear me say because I always thought that I thought I was a good person. But after having this realization today I see that’s not what I believed at all.

It’s like my life has been split into thirds with each third equalling 26 years. The first twenty-six were full of life, promises, responsibilities, dreams, and being all that I could possibly be as I lived my life to the fullest. It was amazing, carefree, and oh so responsible. I had been at my job almost 7 years the night cocaine grabbed me by the throat.

I had worked there 7 years and I was only 26 yrs old. Do you know if I erased the cocaine part from my story odds are I would have never left that job and I would have been as happy as I have ever been. You know it still pisses me off I screwed that up, I never really realized the anger that makes me feel towards myself until now, but that’s a whole other story.

It was kind of like watching your life’s story in all its smiles and bright sunny days for the first 26 years when all of the sudden the sky turns dark and the thunder begins to roar as a black tear begins to slowly take over the smile that creases the length of my life’s white page, and then, everything changed.

The nightmare begins and I hate nightmares

And a nightmare it was damn, I cannot even believe I’m alive you guys I swear I should be dead. I mean I tried killing myself 2x and had a loaded gun put to my head 3 different times in my mouth with the trigger cocked once, and abused drugs to the extreme, all the while sleeping on the streets of Seattle for 12 years straight. That’s enough to kill any strong man, but I’m here. Simply a miracle in my mind. God has shown me grace in ways most Christians would tell you he won’t.

He not only saved me but he gave me the honor to be able to write about all this junk inside me and get it out which has allowed me to start to heal from the inside out slowly, But God in all of his splendor allows my story to sometimes help others not feel so alone, or hopeless. He lets me take the experiences I have gained walking through my own nightmare with addiction and allows me to use them to hopefully stop someone else from having to see so much of their own.

Back to the point of this story. My thought after I felt like 12 million pounds were lifted off of my back was that I think I walked into my addiction like most of us do naive’ as hell knowing I am a good person. But I walk out of my addiction thinking that is still what I believe but the reality of the situation is very different. If I take a step back from myself and look at my actions and let them tell me how I really feel about myself the answer looks much different.

The moral of this story is to take the time to get to know yourself and your feelings and emotions. Spend some quality time in the quiet, alone. Find some comfortable peace, relax with controlled breathing and examine yourself from the inside out. Ask yourself, what it is that you’re looking for and what it needs from you in order for this time here on earth to be successful. The biggest thing though just because you may have struggled half your life being a miserable, puke of a thieving dope fiend like I was it doesn’t make you a bad person!

“Sometimes good people do bad things!”

Don’t let the things you have done in your addiction, the stealing, lying, manipulating, and whatever else you may have done to get drugs, ruin the image in your mind of who you really are. The things you have done to get high that you have sworn to yourself to never tell anyone about because you’re so ashamed you did them. Don’t let those things and their darkness trick you into thinking you no longer belong in the light and that darkness is now your portion. Don’t buy into it, it’s all yours, this is your time.

Those things you are now ashamed of just throw them in the trash. Tell Satan you won’t be needing them anymore, that he cannot confuse you anymore. The things you did in your addiction you do not do when your sober so it shows you that it’s only how you behave when you crave drugs to the extreme, It’s not who you are. You are awesome, strong, and victorious even if you don’t think so. ‘You’re a winner the man upstairs has a great plan for you so let’s get our heads right, stay sober, and live the life the universe destined for us to have.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read I love you all!

About The Author: Marc is a 53-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, be blessed, my friends.

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