Why I Keep Myself Sick

By: Marc McMahon

Have you ever been so sick of yourself that every time you walk by the bathroom mirror you just want to reach over and grab yourself by the throat with one hand while the other slaps your dumb ass across the face repeatedly? Or sometimes have you ever felt like that? Just a little maybe…. or….. is it just me…

Something tells me that I am not alone in this although I may be feeling that way at the moment. I don’t know you all, all I do know is that I need to get back into the land of sobriety 100% and I am having a hell of a time getting there. It is just a little different for me this go around though, meaning with this last relapse.

You see looking back on my past relapses and what caused them to end, what motivated me to get back into recovery all the way was the fact that the negative consequences of my using were beginning to far outweigh any benefits I may have been receiving from using the drugs at the time. The rewards that I know a life of living drug-free has to offer became more appealing to me than the misery and monotony I would get from even another day of use. So I will get mad at my addiction and quit!

Photo by Inzmam Khan

So far I have yet to come to that place though, it seems that for this relapse I have gained some sort of illusion of self-control because my habit is not completely kicking my ass like it generally has done every other time I have chosen to go back out and use. This time I am using rarely but still fucking using and managing to keep in decent order the meager life that I have been able to scrape together these past few years.

Now if I step outside myself and take an honest look at my situation and keep it 100 with you all, there have been plenty of negative consequences from my use this past year. I have just like any good addict would, been justifying it all to just be a part of life and that’s how shit goes sometimes v.s. being honest and saying that what happened or is happening is a direct result of my use and would probably stop happening as soon as I chose to pull my head out of my ass and get clean again.

Photo by Pixabay on

I was just released from the hospital healing from an infection I got in my knee from wounds acquired the month before from falling down while I was sleepwalking one night. Ya, it was bad I only remember the last part of it like usual just the part of extreme pain but nothing before that, ever, it’s crazy. But I apparently fell in my apartment one early morning a month and a half ago now I fractured two of my ribs, bruised my sternum pretty bad to where it hurt just to sit and breathe and that is no shit.

I was taken by an ambulance which I have no recollection of even being in to the hospital and the doctors could not believe all my wounds were from me sleepwalking. I also had a gash above my right eye needing stitches and the Dr. said from my waist up 35% of my body was bruised. It looked like I had been beaten with baseball bats by 10 guys it was wild and not ever being able to remember what happens while in that state is even crazier.

So I guess as bad as my addiction wants me to sugarcoat things to you so its behavior doesn’t make itself look bad. I am choosing to hold true to my writing and simply keep it real with you all. Reading that and remembering the pain from it and the 4 days I spent in the hospital makes it pretty safe to say, yes, my disease is kicking my ass it’s just doing it in a different way.

With that being said keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for all of you. Don’t loose faith in me yet I will get this thing eventually and I will again be a better man for it. It has been a bumpy road these past 20+ years of recovery and relapse but great progress has been made and more is to come. Do you want to know how I know? Because the Good Book says, and I quote…

“And we know all things work together for good, to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 KJV. I Love You.

About The Author: Marc is a 51-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”

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6 thoughts on “Why I Keep Myself Sick

  1. Having no experience of real addiction myself I don’t want to say something trite Marc but I wish you well with your fight, you have considerable respect from me and I suspect, many others.

    Paul

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