Starting Over Again

By: Marc McMahon

I wanted to write an article about where I am at in my recovery right now, and what exactly has been going on with me as of late since my recent posts have been a little sporadic at best. I need to write a post telling you all for my own well being that although I have been back online working since my latest relapse that my recovery has been slow. That I have seriously had trouble over the past few months stringing together more than a week or two of clean time. To hold myself accountable and say in a rather disappointed although hopeful voice that today although I do not have much sobriety that I believe much more is coming my way.

That today on this 30th day of September 2019 I have exactly 7 days of sobriety. Although seven days is not much, and although I should probably have 7 years instead I am back at the beginning with just a week of clean time. As shitty as that may seem to many and as shitty as that could make me feel about myself I choose not to let it. I choose today to embrace it and take it for exactly what it is worth another chance. I choose to look at it as a new beginning v.s. a major setback. A learning experience instead of a failure, A chance to learn even more from my mistakes and use what I have learned to continue to grow into the man God created me to be.

I choose to view this relapse as a stepping stone and not a setback  I choose to lift myself up and continue on v.s. beet myself up with shame and regret. I choose to get back up, wipe the dirt off my tough skins and continue to carve my new life out of this thing that is called recovery. This recovery thing is where my future is and without it, I will be left to a substandard quality of life full of desperation, drugs, and self-degradation. So I have chosen to do something about it and I mean more than just try and quit on my own this time.

I decided to man the fuck up and do like I tell my readers to do and ask for some damn help. So today as I slowly came to from my three-hour coma or some would call it sleep. I decided to be a man and I did some research on local counseling centers and outpatient treatment programs  I found one I really liked. I found here about 3 miles from my apartment an Intensive Outpatient Substance Abuse Program that is a little different than any I have attended before as it is for dual diagnosis clients and the counselors are not only trained and Chemical Dependancy but they are also bonified mental health clinicians as well.

I made the call and tomorrow at noon I have my assessment than with immediate openings in the program I suspect I will be sitting in my first group therapy class by the beginning of next week if not sooner. I must say that it was not until last week that I finally decided this relapse had to end and that I needed to get some help stopping it because this has been going on since the middle of February. I kept telling myself this was just another short relapse and then I had a moment of clarity and realized this has been going on for eight months and I was stunned I had really lied to myself and led myself to believe all theses months that this thing had just really started and would end soon yet it never did. The power of the addicted mind at its finest right, wow!

I will write another post after my assessment says I need treatment asap as they always do and keep you posted on how outpatient is going providing I don’t just get sober while I’m waiting which is what I suspect is going to continue to happen. But never the less having somewhere to go 3 days a week that’s not A.A. and helps to hold me accountable may not be all that bad of a thing for the first few months anyway at least.  I did the leg work now I will turn it tall over to my H.P. and let him take it from here. It always seems to work out best when I let him drive anyways :).

As usual I would like to thank you all for your continued support of my many attempts at recovery over the years and thank you for continuing to support my blog here and helping me to maybe reach others out there who are struggling at this too so they know they are not the only ones and that its ok to have a hard time its just not ok to give up. I Love You all and I wish you all the very best thank you.