By: Marc McMahon

So I don't even know where to start you all. I can imagine your wondering where the hell I have been these last 6 or so months and as much as I would like to crawl under a rock and never come-out again. Instead I chose to come back here and let you all know what's been going on since the last time we talked. To come back here and do what I do best and that is share my recovery and my life with any and all who care to listen, in hopes that by doing so I can help them avoid many of the pitfalls that I have encountered.

To hopefully help save them from some of the embarrassment, hurt, and heartache that I have had to feel. To shine a light into my darkness in hopes that it will help make another's path a little bit brighter. But not only that but also to get my crazy ass back into the middle of this online recovery community thats loved and supported me for the past 3 years despite my shortcomings.

So, what happened? To make a long story short when I left or should I say fled my life long home of W.A. state back in 2015 to make a new start clean and sober down here in Oregon I didn't let's say have all my ducks in a row. I had accumulated a handful of arrest warrants from things I had done while in my addiction and instead of taking care of those issues I chose to run in hopes that the changing of my lifestyle would somehow make them disappear.

Well, they didn't. So on Halloween night as I was walking back to my apartment from the local convenience store across the street I was approached by one of our local policemen and asked if they could see my I.D. because I fit the description of someone they were looking for. I was a little nervous but was hoping since I had switched my driver's license from W.A. to an Oregon I.D. card that when they ran it for warrants it would come back ok since I had never been in trouble in Oregon.

auto automobile blur buildings
Photo by Pixabay

Not my luck. Nope, the policeman ran my I.D. and about a minute later three more units arrived and they all informed me I had warrants out of W.A. and that I was going to be arrested and sent back there to take care of them. This definitely was not what I had planned to do on my Halloween this year but something the powers that be decided I needed to take care of. So away I went on Halloween night for a week in the local county jail and then a two-day journey up interstate five to the King County Jail in downtown Seattle W.A. the last place me and my recovery wanted to find ourselves in. I spent the next four months fighting charges for crimes I had been charged with and was finally released on February 15, four and a half months after my arrest.

You know going to jail definitely was a shocking experience. Then to spend the holidays in there and my birthday didn't help matters any but it was something I needed to quit running from and take care of so to get that all off of my back and not have any more warrants for my arrest is a wonderful thing. It's what I let happen to me when I got out that kind of screwed me up for a minute.

Theres no easy way to say it so I am just going to tell it like it is. When I got out of jail I relapsed and have spent 6 of the last eight weeks getting high off and on, beating myself over the head, wanting to even harm myself further was another thought I had but I have been down that road before and the only place it leads to is more darkness so I chose not too. Let's just say I have not been too happy with my damn self for allowing that to happen and am still not sure if I am even going to publish this article and continue to write.

black and white cemetery christ church

Part of me to be honest with you is probably thinking some of the same thoughts as some of you all. Which is, if this guy cannot stay sober for more than twenty-two months at a time then where the hell does he get off writing about his recovery? And I have to say it is a valid point and one I have pondered extensively, and after careful deliberation here is what I have come up with. This decision was not made lightly either.

I almost threw in the towel, called it quits, hung up my pen, canceled my website and disappeared.

That was my gut instinct at first and it was not until I spent some time in prayer with my God that my attitude began to change. My higher power in His ever so subtle and caring way reminded me that it is not about the relapse I just had, not really. He reminded me of why I started this website in the first place and of the tremendous progress I have made over the past three-plus years and gave me a big invisible hug. Then he showed me just like he did after my last relapse that it is not about the relapse that really matters. No, it is about how we handle it after it happens.

It is about learning from it and pressing forward. It is about staying clean this next time longer than I did this last time. Then he gave me the willingness, courage, and intestinal fortitude it takes to start writing this article telling everybody what happened. Then he let me start this article and I must say I started writing this two weeks ago and it may take me a month before it is finished I do not know. All I know is that every time I sit down to write a little bit on this I write a little more than I did the last time.

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood

I knew this article had the potential to be long and I told myself to keep it under one-thousand words and here we are at almost twelve-hundred so the rest I think I will put into the next one. I just wanted to inform you all of this, apologize sincerely to those I may have let down including myself, and go for it again, continuing to learn and share as I go.

Continuing to share all of me and my many mistakes over the years with anyone who thinks they can possibly benefit from them. To share some of the wisdom it has taught me over the years, and to hide nothing and remain as transparent to the world as one human possibly can. To make damn sure that I have told it exactly like it is despite ridicule, shame, or embarrassment. I knew recovery was going to be one long-ass lifelong war for me with many battles and I knew like any war you cannot win every battle.

But you can for damn sure win more than you lose.

I think that it is my turn to flip the script on the disease of addiction for as long as me and all you soldiers can and give him a big fat black eye this time. Addiction knocked me down again but I am back up and ready to ambush his pathetic ass this next time he tries to come by.

Thank you all for continuing to put up with my many recovery shortcomings, for supporting me, and for holding me up when I could not do it myself. That's how we do this thing, together. Stay blessed my friends and remember, I love you.

Alone we don't stand chance, but together, we can change the world!

About The Author: Marc is a 53-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”


16 responses to “The Fight of My Life”

  1. Samantha Ramsay Avatar
    Samantha Ramsay

    Great to hear from you. I’m so sorry you have had such an horrible time of it leading to relapse. Of course you should be continuing to write your recovery and sharing with us, sometimes recovery is only filled with people saying how well they are doing, people need to read what they can relate to and often that includes relapse, twice for me. Be very proud of yourself for having the courage to share with us and just keep that head up and keep going.

    1. Recovery Unsensored Avatar

      TYSM you just gave me goosebumps 🙂 I love you for all your support and for seeing things the way you do because I to think folks need to have somewhere to read that is really relatable to there recovery and for some reason looks like Lord chose me so Ill keep on pushing all my days. Thanks for stopping by to read your awesome.

  2. Catherine Townsend-Lyon ~ Recovery Advocate/Author Avatar

    All I can say is I have you "Uplifted in Prayers" and recovery support, Marc.

    I can and do SO relate to what you have written and shared. That? You need to pat yourself on the back for Marc. Because we both know maintaining recovery needs us, to be HONEST, and Transparent and in doing so? We are not as "Sick as our Secrets." Reaching out or sharing is the best step to continue moving forward in life and maintaining recovery.

    I am 12+yrs in from gambling addiction and alcohol and I can tell you recovery comes and goes in phases. Now, look at what has happened and see where you need more help or some guiding from this experience. God still will test us, but he also gives us more life wisdom and lessons so we can grow stronger within our journey. YOU, my friend, deserve this amazing life without the bondage of addiction!


    1. Recovery Unsensored Avatar

      Thank you that almost made me cry. Your support is so appreciated you have a wonderful day my friend.

      1. Catherine Townsend-Lyon ~ Recovery Advocate/Author Avatar

        My pleasure and meant every word! Cat 🙂

  3. emergingfromthedarknight Avatar

    It seem to me that everything is working out just as it should. Relapse is all part of recovery. I really feel you will make huge gains from this latest lesson, its always much better if we face up to things. We cannot really run from anything. It just follow us..... Its all a day a time anyway and you are sober today. That's what counts. <3

    1. Recovery Unsensored Avatar

      Amen thank you for that my friend

  4. Chris Freeman Avatar
    Chris Freeman

    Hi Mark. Welcome HOME..... I too have gone through the gauntlet of relapse, many many times. Over and over till even the good people of the "Rooms", gave up on me.
    Just as the Book teaches; We place ourselves beyond "Human Aid". Addiction takes on a meaning when it has beaten you down without mercy.
    I identify it as a "Monster" which hooks us with a desire, and at first it does what we need. It does it very well. The false ease and comfort which it brings is shortly supplanted by misery and pain, setting up the cycle again and again.
    What I was told once was, that in my recovery I had to find the same "peace and ease and comfort" which the drug and the drink gave me, but that I would have to find it SOBER...
    This has taken me to discover the answer that eluded me for so long... (31 years of suffering)
    i hope you find your ANSWER as I have and I will always be here for you, No matter What. - as others stood firm for me.
    Always and forever your friend. - Chris Freeman | SoberWorx

    1. Recovery Unsensored Avatar

      Your the best Chris thank you.

  5. The Devotional Guy™ Avatar

    Marc, as you know from all the other comments, we're going to stumble along our path of recovery. Praying for you as you continue to heal and continue to press forward. Speaking from my own experience along this journey, the good thing about the past catching up to us is that it allows us to put it behind us. I'm not who I was then. Neither are you. You're in the process of becoming who God intended you to be. Blessings brother. Keep on.

    1. Recovery Unsensored Avatar

      Thank you Sir I do very much appreciate your support and all of your encouragement have a wonderful day my friend, God Bless.

      1. The Devotional Guy™ Avatar

        You’re welcome! Ditto brother. Have an awesome day.

  6. Vernon Avatar

    Thanks for sharing your experience strength and hope.

    It's honest sharing we relate to and that attract the newcomer.

    The shame isn't in relapsing, the shame is in not coming back.

    We all came into recovery with some past regrets.

    But our past is valuable because when we share it honestly it can help save someone life.

    Keep writing no matter what.

    1. Recovery Unsensored Avatar

      Thank you Vernon, and I will continue to write no matter what. You have an amazing day my friend and may the Good Lord Bless you and Keep you happy. 🙂

  7. Recovery Unsensored Avatar

    Reblogged this on Recovery Unsensored and commented:

    This one is pretty good. Love you all.

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