By: Marc McMahon
You know how we joke about the weather being bi-polar as its storms become unpredictable and the weather people struggle to make sense of it. Well, my recovery is kind of the same way. I mean some months I write 12 posts and some I can barely get six written. This month is as bi-polar as its been in awhile. Maybe my anti-depressant needs increased again I think that is part of my problem lately, my depression. You see when my depression kicks in it show as a lack of interest in the things I normally like.
It’s like waking up one morning and finding you have lost interest in most things and the motivation to do the things you haven’t. So these last few days it has been all I can do to motivate myself to even post a couple posts. It’s so odd because I love doing that, motivating people and sharing the wisdom I learn. But lately I have had zero desire to do so and it’s not going away so I think its time to talk to my therapist about her thoughts on it when I see her again Tuesday.
I am so glad I acquired a friend from my therapist. It’s so cool too because she is a female millennial who often sees things just a little different than I and I welcome her insight and perspective into my life and it seems to help. It’s really a cool situation. Even just talking to you all about it makes me feel better, I never new therapy could be so rewarding gosh I would have done it much sooner.
But back to my depression, it is just kicking my ass this week and I haven’t been able to shake it yet. Yesterday I found myself sleeping all day in my apartment, blinds closed, lights off, sleeping all day long with no interest in anything. I would walk to my computer, turn it on and right back off again like my laptop is all of the sudden shooting out Marc repellant or something.
It gets really confusing for me at times inside my own head when my heart wants to share its love like I usually do but my head is telling me to crawl under a rock and hide till this passes. I know better than to do the later but for the few days every month I go through this it gets very confusing and frustrating, and self-defeating. I mean I can barely stay motivated enough to finish this post right now even though I know writing it makes me feel better. It’s my depression doing this but its also my monster talking, he is pissed off because I have had him chained down this past year and a half keeping him from his business of killing me with drugs.
Pissed off because he cant get me to listen to my head anymore and crawl under that rock so his darkness can manifest itself in my drug addiction again because that’s where he lives. In the dark, chaotic halls of addiction. Where it blinds you to the fact you have choices, to the fact that the darkness won’t last forever, cant last, if your willing to fight till the death. You know that’s what recovery is really a war, a battle royale, a fight to restore good and dignity back into our lives. To rid ourselves of the demonic forces of our disease because I believe this disease is as much spiritual as it is physical but that’s a whole other article in itself those thoughts.
Long story short you all, this has been one hell of a week for me. I am sorry if I haven’t seemed myself. If my online presence suffered because of it and I know it does when I feel like this but always know that this to shall pass I know that and if you’re having a shitty week to its ok. Just hop on my train and we can hang out and struggle together until one of us makes the other smile again and we will, soon :). Always know your loved my friends and that somebody here cares for you have a wonderful week you all, stay blessed.
About The Author: Marc is a 49-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”