By: Marc McMahon
I was just outside on my front porch enjoying the shade of the huge Evergreen trees, smoking a cigarette, and watching the mama squirrel climb down the fence to access the peanuts, (unsalted only, spoiled ass Squirrel 🙂 ) that I throughout each morning for them.
Along with her emergency midnight snack handful that sits just outside and to the right of my front door. Resting right next to the perfect size glass of fresh water I keep out there for her as well. She’s got babies so she takes all the help she can get. If my front door is open and she comes up and there are no peanuts, or she runs out while munching. She has me so trained, she will simply step inside my apartment just onto the carpet, then she will patiently wait for me to see her out of the corner of my eye.
When I do, she stands on her hind legs and holds her little paws out, it is beyond the cutest thing I have ever seen. God knows I love animals and he sent her to me and me to her. She’s my friend now and I’m her peanut guy! A match made from heaven because that’s how much my God loves me and his squirrels. All loved just the same 🙂
The Gift of Recovery
Life sober is a beautiful thing. I have tasted sobriety in the past, but not like this. This may sound cliche’, but it’s different this time. This time I have stayed sober almost as long as any other time before in my life. One other time did I stay sober this long and it lasted a couple of years so, “by George, I think he’s got it” some may say :).
It is different this time because the other day I noticed I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I have never, ever, had before. That feeling after a day of prayer and consultation with God was explained to me. That feeling as spiritually discerned is called confidence. Ya, its weird, I believe in myself today, oh wow this makes me want to cry.
I always said that I used to relapse not because I lacked self-confidence, or for fear of maybe succeeding, or failing in the effort to succeed. But you want to know what? That is exactly one of the reasons I have relapsed continually year after year, after year. But it is something I think one will only ever be able to see in hindsight if it pertains to you.
It may be quite obvious to all those around you, but you yourself could stay in denial about it like I did for years to come. Not because you don’t want recovery, not because you have a planned reservation to get high again. Simply because your mind is clouded and delusional still from the effects of the chemicals. Until you get clean and get the new confident feeling until then you don’t know any different because you haven’t ever experienced the new feeling of confidence.
Just the old familiar one that keeps you stuck in the vicious cycle of self-degradation and destruction. It is truly a pure evil the enemy has forced upon us, and it takes a spiritual solution to solve that problem and rid your body of that evil, that demon, that worthless scumbag of disease we all know so well addiction! I hate it with every fiber of my being, every fiber.
Just the old familiar one that keeps you stuck in the cycle of relapse instead of life! Today not only do I think I can stay sober this time, I know I can. I just realized last night something that I never have before. Another first time in my life event, happening to me in what I call, my year of firsts. Last night for the first time ever I was able to step outside of myself so to speak and see my recovery over the past 22 years. I can see it clearly now, the timeline of my recovery almost entirely.
Moments of Clarity
From the first time in 1996 to my last time in September of 2015. From knowing what treatment attempt it was 1,2,3 or 4 and so on. Depending on what number attempt I was on I can tell you where I went to treatment that time, for how long I stayed, the year, and some of the events that led up to and took place after. Like a marker in my mind on the timeline of my life.
My point is I can see it all clearly now and for the first time, I see that I was repeating the same exact behavior every single time I attempted to get clean and expected different results. Thing is what I was doing each time is what I was told I needed to do each time in order to get sober. Whether that instruction came from my Parents, or a friend in recovery, or a counselor or assessment intake person it did not matter.
Each Persons Recovery is Unique
I kept doing what I was told would work, the same thing people tell others today as how to get clean. Problem was, for some reason, it was not working for me. Why, I still do not know, but I will in time, because more will definitely be revealed. God just won’t tell me more than I can handle at once again because he loves me that much!
I mean how could I go wrong doing what I was told. Go to treatment, then aftercare, get a sponsor, go to a meeting a day, and don’t use in between. Great program problem was again, for some reason, that did not work for me. Believe me, I gave it my best every single time. I mean 110% every time to no avail. So this time I throughout the rulebook, almost completely, because I needed this to work.
It was very serious for me this time more so than others because I am a mother fucking threat to myself when shit goes real sideways (excuse my french please.) If you have never tried to take your own life before, ever tried to murder yourself before then you can’t possibly even begin to understand what that type of fear/respect for your true other half feels like. Very unnerving to say the least.
The Good Life!
I am so happy you guys I noticed yesterday while I was out and about on the bus running errands and making sure my writer self-gets out of his apartment and into the community, so he doesn’t become a recluse like some of the greats you read about. I’m shooting for the greatness that helps the good of the people and I want to be a hands-on part of all the love my Lord has to share.
I noticed yesterday about half way through running my errands, that the whole time I have had this shit eatin grin on my face that I can’t make stop. You all, I can’t stop smiling 🙂 It is so cool to be this happy, I never have been before and you all are part of the reason I smile so much! Know why? Because I love you like God loves me!
I’m walking, talking, and in constant fellowship with the Spirit of my God today. Ever hear people say, “If you want to know what God wants you to do next all you have to do is ask” before? I used to hear it all the time and they would tell me, you just gotta ask him and he will tell you.
God Really Does Talk
Yesterday at the bus stop guess what? God told me what to do next, no shit, I kid you not. The coolest part is, I never even had to ask, he just told me and it made perfect sense to me. The thought came into my head and I knew it was him, I simply looked up and smiled at the sun, and out loud said: “man, thank you.”
He loves us you all more than you may ever know, and he is real you guys, more real than you may ever realize. He is so close to us all of the time, even in our addiction, but we don’t see him because were using, and using blinds our spiritual eyes so to speak so we don’t see the hand that is our help. But, the whole time he has got his hand extending down from the heavens to rescue you. All you gotta do, is reach up and grab it!!
About the Author: Marc is a 48-year-old Author, Speaker, and Soldier in a war to loosen the grasp that Substance Abuse has on our society. He is a Father, Son, and friend to all those seeking refuge from this incorrigible disease. Marc resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where he enjoys, writing, hiking, and kicking the disease of addiction in the teeth, every chance he gets. As Marc always likes to say, “be blessed, my friends!”
Leave a Reply to Recovery Unsensored Cancel reply