Addiction I Hate You

BY: Marc McMahon

I have never hated my disease like I do today! I hate the disease of addiction with every fiber of my being. I hate it for what it has done to me, and I hate it for what it has done to you!

                    I especially hate it for the plans it has to harm others in the future.

For the lies, it is going to tell some unsuspecting young man or women. Or for that matter, some boy or girl, and for the way it will manipulate and use them once it gets them in its grasp.

Never has my quest for recovery involved such a personal vendetta towards my addiction. Never before, has it been so personal, that I feel the need to hunt it down, tie it up with a rope, and pour gasoline all over it, and set it ablaze.

                                               I tell you, I HATE MY FUCKING DISEASE!

I want it to burn slowly, wither in pain, and have it stare me in the eyes and watch me grin. As the flames, slowly suck the life right out of it!!!

I haven’t lost my mind, or well, not completely anyways. I have earned the right, however, to express my volatile feelings towards my addiction, in any way, I feel I need to. In order to purge me of any remnant of it, that might still be clinging to my soul!

I always say when I write, and it seems to have become a kind of mantra of mine if you will. I often say that when it comes to battling our addiction, “alone we don’t stand a chance, but together, we can change the world!!”

I believe that statement 100%, this disease is so strong and intelligent. Equally all illusive, that there is no way one human mind alone can defeat it.

Especially a mind that has been altered in some way through the use of drugs. I mean think about this for a moment.

There are people in this country who have never had a drink or drug in their entire life. Who’s minds are as pure as they get and are the educated elite?  I.Q.s in the nation top 10%. P.H.D.’s and Doctorate’s degrees, and specialize in the field of substance abuse treatment.

We have some of the finest scholars and scientists in the world, trying to find a way to derail this disease and it’s kicking their ass on a daily basis.

It toys with their thought process and completely baffles their genius minds. They are at a loss to come up with a formidable method of treatment, that can even occasionally guarantee, anything that resembles long term recovery.

With millions of dollars at their disposal in annual budgets, and years spent trying to defeat this disease, they simply cannot.

I don’t say this to discredit them in any way, actually quite the contrary. I thank God for them all, and it is partly because of their dedication to their work that I am able to sit here at this computer and write. I say this to simply give you another example, of how strong our opponent is!!

Like a chameleon, an enemy that’s able to become anything it needs to be, at the exact time it needs to be it.

In order to trick you into letting it back into your life, so it can abuse, horrify, and tear your soul into a thousand pieces. But just before it is about to deal you your final blow, it pauses a moment to watch you suffer.

To laugh, as you lie and manipulate your loved ones some more. To giggle, every time you crawl up underneath the bridge to go to sleep. To laugh hysterically at you, when you entertain the thought of getting clean and sober.

To beat you down, physically, spiritually and emotionally, until you yourself decide. That maybe it is just time to call it quits and die.

Right before he does, though, he introduces you to his best friend Suicide, and he crawls up under the bridge with you. Gives you a bag of dope, and says “don’t worry my friend, I’m here for you, and things are gonna be o.k now!!”

So we get high, feel better, go to sleep, and wake up the next morning with him standing over us, laughing uncontrollably. Screaming! “you ignorant child, did you really think I cared!”

A disease for which there is no known cure. A disease that not only wants us dead but before it kills us, wants to watch us suffer.

It wants to destroy every part of our being slowly because he is sadistic and finds his most pleasure in that. Then, when he has gotten his thrills out of watching our torment, he deals the final blow.

As we lay there about to take our last breath, he smiles and says, “I’m here for you, sleep well!”

That my friends is what we are up against. An opponent who waits for the opportunity to get us alone, so he can defeat us. So I say stand together, that collectively, we have a fighting chance.

I believe our addiction, although as strong as I earlier described. Fears our abilities as a group, for he knows that odds are he won’t be able to manipulate us all as a whole.

That he won’t be able to trick us all at the same time, to give up our new found recovery and buy into his bullshit, and believe his lies.

You don’t hear too often of groups of people relapsing as a whole. We hear stories of recovering addicts, who have chosen for whatever reason to isolate themselves from the safety of their recovery circles. Then sub-comb to the lies addiction has told them. Then, unfortunately, they relapse and sometimes die!!

As one who has always prided himself in enjoying being alone, in not needing another’s company to make me feel whole. Today I have chosen to make a change. I have to have friends in recovery it is a must for me that connection. I don’t have the luxury today of spending a whole lot of time alone. I can’t, my life seems to depend on it!!

Maybe someday I will have that luxury again, but something inside me tells me probably not. Just because I get clean and sober, doesn’t mean my addiction doesn’t still want to get me high. He will patiently wait for 20yrs if he has to, to get his opportunity.

This is one thing I can never forget. He is always present, every day, just waiting for me to isolate myself from my support so he can have his way with me.

So I have chosen to dedicate my life, to loosening the grasp he has on our society. 

In doing so, I am able to keep myself surrounded, either by those who have been in recovery a while and are teaching me. Or those who are new in recovery, wanting to be taught.

It is about us, and I invite you all to join me in the fight. Alone we don’t stand a chance, but together, we can change the world!!

About the Author: Marc is a 48 yr. old Author, speaker, and soldier against the disease of addiction. He resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Marc’s hobbies include writing, Mt. biking, hiking, and drinking copious amounts of coffee. Marc is also the proud father, of one very outstanding young man. As Marc always likes to say “Be blessed, my friends.”